Just hold on…

But not to grudges. Not to bitterness or jealousy, unforgiveness or anger.

Such things are on my mind this morning. I am painfully aware of the attack of the enemy this afternoon. and it’s the same old, same old.

I must chuckle about how long it took me to figure out what I was going to do today. But that is a more pleasant familiar feeling… I did that all the time in San Antonio. It was a part of the proces of becoming independent. I now have to relearn how to make decisions for myself, based on what I, alone, want. I wasted probably a few miles today, and a few minutes. So as I sit here, in my room in my mom’s house, eating my peanut butter and banana sandwich, which I paid nothing for, I am counting down. 12 to my new apartment with my brother. And until then, I simply need to claim as mine the moments that rightfully are.

I’ve been doing some thinking about thoughts one shouldn’t think. And as much as I sould like Dr. Seuss right about now, I’m thinking about not thinking those thoughts anymore. The truth is that the Kingdom belongs to the Lord, and I can no longer be surprised, and especially unprepared, for the attacks that come on my heart. I Peter 1 says

²⁰It is true that He was chosen and foreordained (destined and foreknown for it) before the foundation of the world, but He was brought out to public view (made manifest) in these last days (at the end of the times) for the sake of you.  ²¹Through Him you believe in (adhere to, rely on) God, Who raised Him up from the dead and gave Him honor and glory, so that your faith and hope are [centered and rest] in God.  ²²Since by your obedience to the Truth through the [Holy ] Spirit you have purified your hearts for the sincere affection of the brethren, [see that you] love one another fervently from a pure heart. ²³You have been regenerated (born again), not from a mortal ^[d]origin (^[e]seed, sperm), but from one that is immortal by the ever living and lasting Word of God.  ²⁴For all flesh (mankind) is like grass, and all its glory (honor) like [the] flower of grass. The grass withers and the flower drops off, ²⁵But the Word of the Lord (^[f]divine instruction, the Gospel) endures forever. And this Word is the good news which was preached to you.  ¹SO BE done with every trace of wickedness (depravity, malignity) and all deceit and insincerity (pretense, hypocrisy) and grudges (envy, jealousy) and slander and evil speaking of every kind.

Phillipians 4 says:

 ⁶Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (^[b]definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. ⁷And God’s peace [shall be yours, that ^[c]tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall ^[d]garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  ⁸For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].⁹Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of ^[e]untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.

No, I don’t have a conspiracy theory. I am who God created me to be and I will stand in my place. I will seek His face as long as I live so that I can be conformed to His image. And I will not be moved. I will ask for clean hands and I pure heart. I will love like He loves me. I will no longer hold on to who I used to be, or who I think I should be.

Lord, teach me to be a participater, and no longer a spectator. I am not the leaning tower of Piza, but rather a tree planted by the River of God with deep roots. So no more wondering, no more searching, just living and loving.

Now, onto learning social skills.

 

S’more pretzels anyone?

Haha!! I finally, FINALLY  made something off of Pinterest!!

The traditional treat is a pretzel, a chocolate kiss, and 2 m&m’s. But then I got creative. So, the second treat is a pretzel, some marshmellow creme, pretzel, chocolate kiss, and 2 m&m’s. Yum.

Creating Quiet Time For Myself

So here I sit, at Starbucks, with my iced venti skinny raspberry-vanilla latte, and so I enjoy myself. This is special. And this time is unto the Lord. I have no personalities to share my thoughts with. But I do have so much to work on.

This morning was amazing. Jen and I did worship this morning. Okay, so, as a whole, it could have been better. But, honestly, I have never played on stage quite like I did today. Worthy by Paul Wilbur: It was pretty incredible to me. And the worship with the Word part I thought was so sweet. “See what an incredible love…” with the Romans passage that nothing can seperate us from the love of God. Maybe I am just a romantic when it comes to life. Am I the only one, who considers moments special, who appreciates people, who thinks gifts and talents, and beauty and love, are meaningful? I get so sentimental. I’m not crazy. What makes that crazy more than making everything else crazy?

It’s really the most beautiful day outside… It has been so wonderful, the weather lately. Sure doesn’t feel like January, but it’s Houston. Ugh, I want a hammock; I’m determined to get one. I know I will get a place of my own, soon. I am praying about going ahead with this apartment with my brother, or waiting it out to get my own. It’s so hard for me to stay focused, and encouraged. I faceplant very swiftly. I confess that I always need to look forward to something. But I want to enjoy being productive as much as I enjoy being still. Too much time is wasted because I live like I’m watching television. I watch too much and involve myself too little. I stay neutral so much that I make myself invisible. I need a plan and I need it more often. On Friday night, Zeke was talking about how Jesus will have us working in the New Jerusalem. We aren’t going to be vegged out in front of our supposed “96 inch flat screens.” I don’t think I have even ever believed that; It’s ridiculous. I do wonder what He will have us do. Oh, I believe it will be enjoyable for us, for sure. So I feel inspired, responsible even, to be sure I am cheerfully and productively working for His Kingdom even now. Because, I want to, but I’m really not. Eek.

So what’s new for me? Well, I’m teaching my first piano lesson tomorrow night. Sarah is 8 years old. I was and kind of am nervous, but I feel so excited. I’m hoping it’s a beginning for me. I want to train up worship leaders. And I’m not gonna lie, I know it will cause me to get better. Teaching these kiddos to love Jesus is helping me draw closer to Him. I want more, and the Lord knows it. Only God can comprehend how I feel being given these opportunities to worship and sing, to teach these kids by putting scripture to music, and literally seeing my dreams come true in the place of prayer. How wrong I was to want them in any other place, in any place outside of where God dwells and is glorified. And in His wisdom, God has been waiting to grant them. And I couldn’t be more grateful!!

Unselfish Love

What a wonderful morning!! Kid’s church was phenominal this morning. My two kiddos: we prayed, we worshipped, I taught keyboard, and I taught them truth. I felt so whole-hearted and I really enjoyed it. Several comments were made in encouragement. Yet still, I long for more. I long for fruit. I long for growth. Jesus, teach me how to prepare. Teach me faithfulness, that bigger things may come. I know more children are coming. Put into place and set into motion what needs to be. And come and fulfill the plans of your heart in this childrens’ ministry.

And even as I sit here, and to my chagrin, my room is such a mess. I was planning to move out. And that is postponed temporarily. For the first time, I really can picture myself in my own place here in Houston. God, I trust You for it. you have done greater things, and you have done lesser things. Please, Lord, I ask in brokenness: do not let me pine for what was. Do not let me wish to go backwards. Even if I was not wholly right in moving from San Antonio back home, I know I am right where i supposed to be.

“but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.”

I am very sentimental, and things mean a lot to me. Lord, You know, even though I do not fully understand why, or if it is for good. It is difficult for me to think upon it sometimes. But I trust You. And my heart is full of gratefulness that You have brought me so far, and You have caused my dream to come true: to be a part of keeping the fire on the alter. So let me not, in my weakness, in any distrust, desire to go back. Let me honor You, what You are doing, what You have done, and all that You have planned. What I straining toward is not a future, necessarily. (When it comes to people, you ordain relationships, and You know what You have planned for me.) This prize, is Jesus. This prize is God, making His dwelling place among men. Oh, how I long for that.

Lord. I ask for Your grace. Teach me how to love unselfishly. Let me love You, without asking for attention to it. Let me be obedient, and let me burn. Let me not be such a dim flame that I have to draw attention to each spark. Let me not long for others to praise me. God, let my one motivation be to bring you pleasure. May I care only about how You feel about me, God. Give me an increasing awareness of how much You see me. In brokenness, I ask: Let me love unselfishly. I should not be trying to earn the affection of those I love, no matter how much I love them. Let me love, expecting no love in return. You have called Your body to love each other, but You loved us first, when we could not love You. But, that, in no way, diminished the fervor and passion of your love, nor the expression thereof. I want to love, solely to be like You and to please You, to be an expression of You. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to know You so well, no one need reassure me of Your love, or any other love. Give me unselfish love. That I may be so whole-hearted and unabashed.

I long for unceasing fellowship with You. I may never understand why I long for You so. But I really was created to dwell with You. And I feel so lovesick. Maybe I am too simple. Maybe I am too soft. But I wasn’t made for this world; I was made for You, for Your pleasure. And I want You to take that pleasure from me. You are so incredible to be a Father to the plethora of personalities that You created. You know how to love me. You know how to deal with me. What brings me such joy and completeness is the place of prayer. Oh, I get bored. And most times, I have to fight to get there. But then I never want to leave.

Come as close as You want. Consume this heart that longs to burn. I know your fire can hurt but I would be worse here without You. For I was made to dwell with You. And how I ache until I do.  Come and take all these chains that get in the way of what you want. And as I stand in the flame, still I will say I trust You, God. For I was made to dwell with You. And how I ache until I do.

Resolutions, Resolutions, Et Cetera

Well, it’s December 31st. It’s the very last day of the year. I recall New Year’s Eve 2009 with Jennifer at Jim’s but I do not recall NYE 2010. But here it is: NYE 2011. It’s also 3 & 1/2 days to my 29th birthday. So, it’s a time for great reflection. But I know I am way hard on myself. I do not always reflect correctly.

What a day it has been so far. Sick again, although I should be getting better already. So much struggle. Feeling again such a fight to sit here in the place of prayer. Fight from the inside and fight from the outside. Oh to finally realize that God is truly who He says He is. And that I am truly loved like I want to be. By God and by the body. How much more could I accomplish if I would not get tripped up in my own thoughts. If I would not believe the lies that are constantly being thrown at me. And if I would not get so distracted by the things that matter so little. But it is only here in the place of prayer that I see clearly what is important and what is not.

God it is almost 2012 and I am almost 29. What do you want from me? I get so disoriented. I want to trust You more than I need anything else. I feel so empty and so lacking and I forget that You love me. I forget Your promise. I know you are faithful. But I don’t yet. In all the tumbling around, I forget. Sometimes it makes so little sense. Trusting You is higher than things making sense. I have so little understanding, such limited vision. How can I possibly grasp who you are, or what Your plan is?

It is a day of prayer and there is so much to resolve.

Sometimes, most of the time, I just want to get lost in You. Like many popular tales, I want to enter Your kingdom, and not have to come back. I know it must sound so silly to compare it to fairy tales, but unforturnately, I have made aloowed my head to be filled and occupied by them all. That is not exactly the way Your kingdom works. It is all too clear that I have not quite gotten the hang of it yet; living the Kingdom. I need more. I am clearly lacking so much much. Why is this so hard? I want to ask what obvious thing have I missed? What key lesson is it that i have not learned yet? Will this struggle go on forever? I suppose not. I suppose it is always changing, as I am always maturing, whether I recongnize it or not. If I keep expecting to finally arrive at my goal/destination, then I will be continually disappointed. What is it that I am expecting? What is it that I expect of myself? To please people? Just throwing that out there. I have to get to the point where I can have peace with myself. Or else I will just always be miserable. I feel so weak. I feel so tired. I am not sure if that is the physical tainting the spiritual. I am so disappointed with myself but I really have to move on. It’s been a really hard year. But compared to who? Compared to what? To this perfect, ideal, struggle-less life I set up for myself in my head. I get so frustrated with my weakness. I just want to be more. I just want to have more strength. To not fall SO short in EVERYTHING!! And yet I find me telling myself, Robin, you don’t try very hard.

So is it a question of hope? Is it a a question on looking forward to something. It is just about 2012 and yet I never saw myself here. I cannot see myself in the future, old, married, with children, anything. I cannot see past today. I find it extremely hard to pick myself up and work for something. I do not like who I have become. Is this in truth? I’m not sure. Is it something else? Do I expect too much of myself? Do I see myself through other eyes who rightly do not view me like I should view myself? I have so many questions. And at this point, I am at a loss to know what 2012 will hold, or bring. Or 29, for that matter.

WOW WHAT A VERSE OF THE DAY!! craziness.

Verse of the Day

“This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 NIV

God, You are so amazing and so worthy of my life and my love and my devotion. Patience is needed, above all else, to stay before you and not tire in giving you all the glory and praise you are so worthy of.

¹⁶Therefore we do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though our outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day.

   ” For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!],

    Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Lord. I ask for oil, to keep the fire on the alter. I need oil. you are so worthy of unceasing worship.

Lord, what you do is so incredible. I cannot describe the miracles you do inside of me so easily. I find my joy and my peace in you. I find all the peace I need. You overwhelm me so quickly. You make me speechless so quickly. I am all amazed by Your power and Your work inside of me.

So here I am again, asking you about the 10p-12am worship set. The truth is that I have not been able to make it to the 6am sets, and that has been frustrating me so incredibly. As I sit and listen to davida play her devotional set, it resounds inside of me, this is my destiny. This very thing is what I want, what I need, what I have always dreamed about. Even though it took so many years for me to realize it. I am so proud of my friend and I enjoy her worship so, so much. I realize that in spite of all my babbling, this is my only resolution. Everything else is so trivial. It will come; it will work itself out. It is so small compared to finding myself in the place of prayer, giving worship to the all-worthy One. Should I count that an answer? I have many questions, and I do not begin to trust myself, my abilities, my strength. But I trust God, and this is living inside me; I can feel it so strongly.

I really do want to understand why I feel the way that I do. I have lived too long thinking I was wrong. For a long time, I have felt alone in this; I have felt despised. Now I have found this community that has committed to live this way. This is right; this is fitting. I am no longer alone. But I want to have knowledge to go with this feeling. Here, I feel so whole, so complete. so peaceful. I know I was born for this. I want to stay here. This is what You wanted all along God. A friend, a lover, a bride. In response to Your beauty, what else can I do but sit here and look at You? When You make me feel the way that You do, what else can I do but stay here with You?

I thought I would come and pray, and make this inspired list of resolutions I wanted to commit to, in many areas of my life… But no. I have one. To be in the place of prayer. To be a part of keeping the fire on the alter. Because He is so worthy. He was in the beginning. And He is the End of All. Worthy. Forever.

12 Hours of Worship

The most incredible dreams come true. I sit here in Spring, Texas… at Forerunner House of Prayer, in 12 hours of continuous worship. One hour in particular led by me. I’m so grateful. Sometimes I wonder how this could mean so much to me. I wonder if that is normal. God, this is so incredible to me. There are not enough thank yous to be shouted. Oh the years of dreaming, and daydreaming, and beating myself up for wanting this so much, for thinking there must have been something wrong with me.

Oh how I am longing for eternity, for the unceasing worship around the throne. To be with the Lord and be so satisfied. To not feel hunger and be thirsty. God, you said blessed are they that hunger and thirst. And yes they are more blessed than those who do not. But oh how I long for the day when I am filled with your fullness.

God, I would go right now. I just want to be with you. I’m so whole when I am with you. I am so complete. And I just feel so strongly that I am right where I belong. There is no where else I would rather be. And words are cheap. So weigh my tears.

God you brought my dream to me, you bring my destiny to me. I feel like I have not fully just been able to thank you. So here, find my gratitude in these tears. I am so overwhelmed in who you are. You are so amazing and i just want to be before you forever. How long, Oh Lord, how long before I am with You? Oh God, let my heart bring unceasing praise to You. I know I am weak. I fall and I fail. And I don’t always do the right thing. But I love you so much.

I want to give my life. God this is what I desire more than anything. It fulfills me so perfectly. I am frustrated with all the distrations. This life is fading, it is passing, and it is not all there is. And I just cry out for more. More, Lord, is what I want and what I need. Teach me the ways that please You. Let my feet find Your pathway God. Let the thoughts of my heart and the words of my mouth be pleasing to You, God. You are all that matters to me.

“Better is one day in Your courts than thousands elsewhere!” Oh God, this is my favorite day in my whole life. My favorite place to be is with You. I was born for this. I was born to be here in Your presence. Jesus, You saw this sweet little girl, who would go through so much and be so hurt. You saw her heart, always singing, loving to worship so young, and You knew what You had for her. You knew her destiny was in the place of prayer and worship. You knew she would take her place, keeping the fire burning on Your alter.

God, I just don’t know how I will ever thank You for all that You have brought me through. How can I truly feel the depths of praise You are due. You amaze me.

A New Season: Gearing Up

Tomorrow is a brand new beginning.

No, that is not just me claiming an over-used cliche. I will start a brand new job. It will mean new routine, new tasks, new information, new people, and a new way of life, if you will. It is something I have never done before, and while I am madly hopeful that I will love it, I am equally grateful for the opportunity to learn it. And it means a lot to me. It is a chance to be brand new. A chance to have a different kind of life. Changing the big picture changes a lot of details by necessity. I can wholeheartedly say that I am excited. And I really want to do my best.

On Being Invisible

I’m struggling SO HARD right now. First, I don’t want to cry okay? My emotions are bottomless and they just dig me deeper. I just want to scream. i just finally put my finger on what my problem is.

I don’t want to be invisible!!

In SA, I finally found a place where I mattered; where I wasn’t invisible. Here in Spring, no one sees me. No matter what I do or how hard I try, nothing goes right. I came here for my family. I missed them too much and i just got to the point where i didn’t want to do it anymore without them. But, they, too, suck me in. I’m nothing. It’s like the only way to escape this cave is with dynamite. I will sign up for nothing less. I’m tired of trying to dig my way out with a spoon, riding out on others coattails. Here I am, alone again, by my own choice, and i wanna be out. I just can’t figure out how.

Okay, I’m talking in Robinisms, as Jennifer would call it. I have been weak; quiet. I have been nothing, dead to the world. I have been blending in to the background for so long. Coming back here I realize that I have never been happy. I am afraid to confess that I hate people. I hate them for not seeing me. I hate them for not loving me. The truth is that I love, but I am so hurt. And I know I am so different now. SA was different. I thought SA hadn’t seen the best of me, but now I’m struggling to show that strong, independent person to Houston. What happened to me?

I’m so angry at all the people here who didn’t see me; who thought that I was nobody. I am somebody. I made something of myself. I mattered. I went through a lot and I pulled through the other side. Here, they shoved me down, they turned their backs on me. They made fun of me, they walked all over me. And all I did was cry about it.

You know, I gave myself to a cause!! 170+ kids and their families and my coworkers. I served them with my love and my modest talents. It wasn’t always easy but my heart was committed to it and I loved it. It’s not that I’m unwilling to serve, it’s just that I’m sick of not being seen. I’m so forgetable. Sure, I’ll watch a bunch of kids, just know I was in charge of the whole summercamp!! Sure I’ll do the nursury, just know I was getting paid $11 to watch some precious babies that I really do miss!! I’m NOT a nobody. I don’t wanna go through life being quiet anymore. It’s just like my willingness to hang by myself in SA because I don’t want to fake it. I don’t need fakers. I want REAL people and REAL opportunities.

I think that’s why I am frustrated with my friends. I’m done with this unhappiness and encourable jealous. I want to live my life happily and loudly. No more questioning things, no more wishing, just appreciating and loving every moment. No more spectating. Only participating. But it doesn’t always translate. It’s really like there’s this whole other person inside me trying to bust out. But cannot find the perfect opportunity.

How do I stop being invisible?

Identity

I can’t decide which is better: to be an emotional mess, or to be an emotionless mess. And I can’t understand why I seem so bipolar these days. From moment to moment, I feel strong and confident, then scared and lonely. And tonite I was thinking how I am not myself most of the time. This timid, quiet, pitiful girl, is not me. And all I know is that I have to snap out of it. I mean, really.

Tonite at Young Adults we talked about our identity in Christ. How it’s important to know so that you cannot be shaken, so that situations do not turn into crises that cause you to question your entire purpose. Now, I definitely know what that’s like! As I was driving home, I was questioning why I feel so unhappy, when I’m really not. At least I’m not choosing to be.

God, my prayer is that You would finally teach me how to find my happiness in You, apart from my circumstances. I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far without living that, but this is definitely the most perfect opportunity!! If my happiness always comes from things, or people, or my situation, how am I any different from the world? And how am I representing You at all. See, I choose to be here. I choose to be faithful to You and see out what You want to do in me, and with me. I cannot say why I am scared, or why I can’t seem to shake this feeling. But I trust You. And I want so bad to run TO You, instead of running away. Sometimes I feel like I have never been such a hypocrite. But I’m really not. I love You, I do. I just acknowledge that I am in the absolute hardest place: alone. It’s true that people are the most significant way You change me. But I need to know and serve and obey You apart from anyone. So alone I am. This is my opportunity to know You for myself. Oh Lord, I’m not doing so hot. To say that I don’t trust myself is a gross understatement. And I realize that I don’t let You love me, just like I don’t love like I think I do. Oh, I want to. But I know I have to stop holding Your love for ransom from myself. I will never be perfect and it’s the absolute hardest thing to give myself mercy when I’m so mad at myself. And I just want to say, Why am I here? Really, God, why am I all alone? Does every alone person feel like this? Oh, but I am just the incredibly blessed one who is so used to being surrounded by family and friends who love me and know me and I took it for granted for so long. Not because I wanted to be ungrateful, but because I had no idea what the other life felt like.

Identity. So that’s why I’m here. To find out who Robin is. I’ll be 28 in 2&1/2 hours. And I have got to get real, resist this feeling, and live. Find out what God’s purpose for me really is and live it without hesistation or reservation!! What do I like and dislike? What do I love? Where is my passion? Do I really want God or not? What are my favorites? Not when certain people are around, or when people are in agreement, or there to share and comment. But my very heart. I have to ignore the sudden temptation to say it doesn’t matter as much and give it up because it’s hard to discover. Because I am fasting people and that is the most painful thing I have ever fasted. It’s wayyy harder than fasting food.

Yes, I will take comfort in God’s way of fasting and celebration, and trust that when this people fast ends, He will fill my life with the people I love who bless me and love me. All the people that are so dear to me He will give me, along with the opportunity that my future life will be absolutly rich in the love and blessing of the two-way ministry of people. God, strengthen me in Your love and Your presence. Because, right now, it’s all about You and me. I love You

Happy New Year!!

I’m currently at Starbucks with my friend Eryka, and I’m already enjoying my new year.

I heard the most significant thing at Faith’s New Year service last night. Well, several significant things. My quote for the year is this: “You will start a thousand things, but you will be defined by what you finish!” That really ate my lunch because I never…

(just kidding) …finish anything.

See, your life has 2 authors. Satan is the author of confusion and that is his plan for your life. But Jesus is not only the author, He is also the finisher of your faith!! He’s about finishing things. Remember on the cross he said, “It is finished.” Two very significant things I want to finish this year are: 1. my Associate’s degree and 2. San Antonio. And, I am very excited to see what the Lord will finish in me this year!