Sin

God I don’t understand your grace.

Though I’m dark You say I am lovely. Though I’m poor You say I am beautiful. Somehow my weak glance has overwhelmed You. Somehow my weak love has stolen away Your heart. You don’t despise my growing. You dont despise this journey. Good shepherd of my soul, You love mercy. You love mercy… I won’t run in shame. I will keep running into You. And I’ll let You enjoy me while I’m growing.

I’m so confounded right now. Frustrated except for the obvious and acceptable complexity of Your grace and Your unsearchable ways. Sin. By asking to be intolerant of sin in my life, I know I am declaring war on myself. I am at least familiar with the pressure that comes when I become an enemy of my very nature. It’s not that I feel that I am in sin. It’s that I cannot discern what is in. How can one thing be sin for one but not for another? The thought itself starts to lend itself to permission to sin. And that comes with the pressure of its own. Because I am unwilling to allow that.

Help me, teach me, draw me, and let me run with You. To love what You love and hate what You hate. To partner with You. To fear Your name and love Your ways. Full obedience and full surrender.

I feel like I am presently wrestling… with the questions inside without simple answers. Why, why does this dilemma have my eyes locked right now? What is it that I am no really okay with? Are we daring to compare poisons and our immunities similiar to the way we rate sin and declare that we are not sinning? Upsetably, I think we are. So what is it that I do, that I justify? Why is it so hard to stand against sin? As soon as I make my stance, I begin to go crazy mad in my head because there tends to be great inconsistency in this stance.

The heart. I say that ultimately it is all about the heart. But the only thing that reflects your heart is your fruit. Is there a difference between the heart that Jesus sees and the fruit that the world sees? They should be consistent, right? Jesus found sin in ‘keeping the law’ and found innocence in ‘not keeping the law’. This I understand. But the debate, I do not. I hate the debate. The thing that kills me, is that the enemy is drawing people in by haggle the details. In our constitution, does a right cease to be a right when it infringes on someone else’s right? So is a sin only a sin when everyone agrees so? Where does Jesus draw the line between holy and unholy? Is that line in a different place for each person?

Lord, help me. You know I need You. I need to understand. And I can already feel the WAR inside of me. It’s been, what, an hour? Let me embrace the accusation because You save. I love You and I am desperate to belong to You.

Day 9: Getting Back On Track

At some point tonight, I realized that I lost 27. This has become so much more about how my attitude affects my choices. And oh how it does. It started when I stopped writing. And I know now to prevent that from happening. This is my big step toward getting it together again. I need this.

I’m tired right now and I’m not sure how much I will be able to express, but I want to say that tonight I straightened and rearranged my bathroom, which I am newly in love with. It’s newest decoration is a gorgeous small pink rose plant I got as a belated birthday present from my directors today. I have several things on my to-do list for tomorrow and they include: clean my room (finally!!), wash clothes, clean out my car, go to the nail salon, start reading some good books, and get organized. I am so inspired after tonight’s staff meeting to be a better teacher also. A better employee. They are cracking down on a lot of things. I have no complaints, as I told my co-worker, we pretty much already do our jobs, but I am glad for the opportunity to tighten up my own loose ends and improve.

Improvement. That is what this year is all about. Doing what I can to improve myself, knowing from Whom every ounce of strength comes from. The inside and outside are a package deal. One cannot make progress without the other. They depend on each other and they reflect each other. I want to be excellent. In everything I do. And I can always tell when I spend time with the Lord, or when He spends time with me, He causes me to desire that. So, little by little, it will come. And I was reminded today that I am being watched and I must be consistent with my words and my actions, with my confession and my attitude. I think it’s crazy how some things have gotten soo much easier here. But it’s simple proof that the Lord answers prayer.

This weekend was great. From chillin’ with Jennifer on friday night, to BRCC and Grady’s bbq with re*vive on Saturday, to the Lord showing up on Sunday morning, and Shnabel Park in the afternoon, we had a few low moments with a lot really high ones. His presence makes all the difference in the world. And Jennifer and I are confident in this moment that the Lord will lead us with His perfect leadership, which is presently our very desperation. He makes it sooo easy for us to trust Him as He proves Himself faithful over and over and over.

Lord, I just want to see You. I just want my focus to remain on You because I see the peripheral so differently. I would rather see everything else so blurry just to keep clear sight of You. Thank You for Your love and everything You have in store. By Your mercy let my life honor Your name and reputation. You satisfy.

Day 5: Amazing!!

Argh. I am procrastinating and I don’t even know why… I guess I’ll go with the whole bad news first principle. I need to GET A LIFE!! I mean, seriously, DEAL with your issues! And get over it. Either change things, or stop whining. Maybe I need counseling… And I’ll have to decide later if I’m kidding or serious. …I’m gonna go round and round until I land at the feet of Jesus, in repentance and brokenness. So let it keep on spinning… either way He is gonna be Lord.

Today was great from the word ‘GO’! I was so excited to get up this morning, knowing I would be going to the 29eleven young adult service tonight. So I drank my sweet coffee while I curled my hair this morning and prettied up my face. I wore one of my favorite khaki outfits, and  my matching pinkish-purplish jacket.

Work has been great. What answers to prayer!!! The kids love me more than ever, I get to love on them and play with them a lot, and my co-worker has been treating me better than ever. It always gets harry in the afternoon with the kids all being stir-crazy but I made up a song today and I was singing it happily (I must plead insanity). C-R-A-Z-Y, C-R-A-Z-Y, C-R-A-Z-Y, You kids are drivin’ me craaaazyyyy!! They were singing along and laughing with me.

I came home, changed into my newest, and cuuute I might add, blouse and jeans, with my scarf from Santa, touched up my face, re-curled my hair and headed off to 29eleven…  I was very happy to feel cute.On the way there, I definitely noted the best-case scenarios and worst-case scenarios in my head, with regards to my expectations and my personality. Let me just say I know the Lord led me there. Robin without Jesus is shy, timid, very afraid to do anything outside her comfort zone, under great pressure when it comes to meeting new people, and not so brave when she is alone. Robin with Jesus, went by herself, to a church she had never been to, knew no one, and was confident in that action. Seriously, the fact that I felt this drive to go, despite knowing how I ’should have been’ feeling, was proof that the Lord was leading me. And I’m so thankful for all those accounts.

So I got there about 15 minutes late, and asked information from a lady in the parking lot who directed me ”around the back… past the tennis courts… to the back doors… where the youth and young adults usually meet…” Okaaaay. Thankfully, just as I thought there was no one there and I was gonna have to go home, I spotted a grathering of vehicles, remembered the builing from the video on the website, and saw a banner for 29eleven just inside the doors. Whew! When I walked in, I was relieved to see two girls sitting at the sign-in table, who eventually introduced themselves as Fern and Rain (yep that’s what they said…), then welcomed me, and told me where I could sit.

And oohhh, as soon as I walked into the room, I felt the presence of God swirl around me!! I felt immediately caught up the joy and intoxication of His presence. I entered right at the end of the Praise set, but Worship was ridiculous. My kind of animated, expressive, intense, explosive heartfelt worship. I am sooo grateful. The message was good, and I really enjoyed myself. I definitely want to go back next week. And I’m definitely hoping Jennifer will come too.

… I sat beside a certain someone. Actually, I sat there, and sometime later he sat down on the row, one seat away. When we sat down after worship, I turned and He introduces Himself as Lupe(kinda wierd name for a guy)… and 3 things made me happy. First, he initiated the introdution. Second, he was Hispanic (Dominican… idk… ???). But third, he was cuuuute. During prayer, after we stood again, I realized he is probably 3-4 inches taller than me. Now, I am not saying anything. I will say that the Lord knew every motive of my heart and expectation of my mind, and I dare say He has put them there. I am not lame. When the service was over, I stood there for a painful 30 seconds, not really wanting to leave without making friends, before I turned and walked out, slow enough for anyone to be able to stop me who wanted to. And no one did. I was by no means offended. I hoped that I would find a ‘Robin’ there, that one or more people would have the ministry of welcoming and connecting . “Oh hi I’m … and this is … and wow, you like to …? We do too. Hey, btw, we’re going to …. Wanna come?” But I knew that was a high expectation. This would have been a frequent conversation of mine to a visitor in 24seven, but I was prepared to be okay with that probably not happening.

And you know what? That’s okay. I’m gonna go back. And I can hold in my heart, in my hopes, this boy, and know that God knows all things, and it’s more likely that it will not be, but that’s okay too. It’s only day 5. I have so much to do to prepare, and I have a substantial amount of time to do it in, before I even necessarily want anything to happen. I surmise that next week, I’ll be a little more prepared to put myself out there and assertively meet people, and I will make myself friends, little by little. I’m happy with that. And excited. I’m being wise with my heart, which is ever before the Lord, and I trust Him.

To say I am thankful for tonight is easy, but to express its depth, challenging. I encountered the Lord tonight. In a way that I haven’t probably in almost 3 months. I got caught up in worship. I let myself get totally carried away in His endlessness. What a treasure. And I did something daring. I followed His lead and saw with my own eyes the growth He is bringing to my life as a woman, and as a devoted follower. And I absolutely loved it.

Jesus, sometimes words fail. How do I tell You my heart right now? My confidence in You is resounding inside of me. You are restoring me to hope… to faith… to trust. I see how You are causing every hardship to make me stronger, not more fragile. Let the world see that I do not live for myself, but for You. I just want to thank You. Take my life. It’s my offering. I choose You.

Brokenness: A Break From Stupid

God sometimes I get stupid. I’m definitely flesh. I realize in those moments my need for You. I mean, You know my heart. You know the things I choose to feel and the thoughts I choose to think. You know the condition of my heart that I allow, the attitude I prefer. Often, my flesh flares up, and I haven’t really figured out what to do about it. Until now. Break me. In those moments, I just need to be broken before you. I want everything in me to agree with You, with Your ways, with Your love. And the truth is, I have just been reminded what really matters. You. Your presence. Your love. Your kingdom. Not my world, my happiness, my popularity, or anything in pea-sized little perspective. I am alive because of Your tireless patience. But I say that I want to please You. And oh how You love me. Teach me. And in my moments, sweetly, softly, correct me, remind me, get my attention in Your wonderful way to remind me what matters. You. I love you.

Day 4: This Is More Like It!

I learned a valuable lesson today. Clean has fabulous points on its own. Withstanding that, and freestanding also, fabulous can work with clean, but not with unclean.

So, I definitely did not look fabulous at work today. Although I was moderately dressed up, my hair was simply blow-dried, and I had zero make-up on. I did, however, come home before church tonight, flip my hair out with my straightener, and apply some pretty make-up. I added my leather jacket to my outfit, and I felt pretty. I WAS hoping there would be more people at church tonight… you know a male, young, Dominican, available… but it felt nice to look nice. And so I was happy.

The Lord really filled me with hope and motivation at church tonight. That is still helping me. I applied online for a job opening at Chase last night, which I really want, and tonight I talked to a friend who works there. Now I want it even more. I will miss my babies, but oh to be fabulous!! I watched some piano tutorials online tonight, which is definitely good for me. So I have taken just a few steps in the right direction today. I am finding that I love being a girl. So here’s to the next step.

Speaking of the next step, tomorrow night Jennifer and I will be going to Cornerstone’s 29eleven singles service, and I am ready!! I am so excited, I will be going, period. I will enjoy it on so many different levels. I need to soak… need me some social life… need opportunities to be FAB… need to enjoy ‘all of my life, all of the time’… need whatever God wants to give me (mmhmm)…

I was reminded today of something so important. Jennifer and I have this continual conversation on the ’Ugly Man’ syndrome. This is when a beautiful girl chooses an ugly guy. And this is the flashing neon sign in my head: THERE IS NO ‘UGLY WOMAN’ SYNDROME!! Now I am not trying to be carnal, I am just being realistic. No more lying to myself. It’s high time I start giving attention to what needs attention. It’s time to prepare. In every aspect. But… the good news is: 

Fabulous is so much fun!! And I really can’t believe I am just now figuring this out. Now I’m just holdin’ out for the extra green to make the scene!

Lord, You are amazing, and in fact, You never cease to amaze me. Thank You for hope, for the desire to do well and please You. I want to encounter You in my every step toward fabulous. Thank You for what You have for me. Make me ready for it. You see me, You hold me, You love me, and even in my valley, that never changed. Keep reminding me why I am here, and Lord, please accomplish Your sweet plans for my life, my every day, my every moment. I want to love You more. Immanuel, give me Onething. I want You.

Day 3: Nothing like…

There is nothing like a unbearable migraine to make me so happy and grateful and bring me soo much peace and joy!! Yeah. I woke up about 4am or so with this terrible, terrible pain. I think I’ve only had that kind of migraine once before. It is definitely the kind I would choose to get a shot for. Just bad. It was sooo amazing for it to go away. I paced and prayed, paced and prayed. And my God, He answered.

…So I woke up later this morning. Early enough to have me a quick cup of coffee, but not to look all that fabulous. That’s ok, like I said I was super happy. Work was okay today. The norm. I sure love my kiddos, even though the details of that administration drive me crazy. Those sweet kids, they just mean so much to me.

I didn’t make it to prayer. I got out of work late, I looked a hot mess, and my car was on E (and so was my wallet LOL). So, I used the remainder of my Walmart gift card to buy dinner for Jennifer and myself, and I am literally trusting the Lord with the rest of my week. I mean, He is worthy of that trust, and I am by no means concerned. He’s taking care of me! But I am superstoked about going to Cornerstone on Thursday night to attend their 29eleven singles service. WOOO!! And also church tomorrow night at La Trinidad. The Lord is turning things around; I am sure of this and even if I am to be His means.

I met a new friend in the baby room today. I’m so happy about it. Marjorie is 22, moved here from Chicago in Oct (same as me) and is really, really nice. She kinda reminds me of myself in the baby room: Sweet, loving, happy to be there. I am excited to have a friend. (Hahaha that sounds sad in a goodly pathetic kind of way. )

My sweet bestie called me today. She encouraged me how God was bringing to pass how I encouraged her. And, wow, she said my husband was gonna be one lucky guy, and that he was gonna have to be on top of his game with me. (SCORE! LOL Jk.) Sweet things. I enlisted her help to pray for my current situation, in all it undefinable frustrations… but I definitely have these moments where I feel soo encouraged. My God never fails. And He is loving me.

My amazing God, thank You. For healing, wow. Thank You for provision. Thank You for Your sweet company. It means the most. You see me, complete. You see me, fully pleasing. You see me, whole and accomplishing Your will. And we are well on our way aren’t we? And so I just want to say… I love you.

Day 2: Have Mercy!!

The end of day 2 finds me in desperate need of the mercy of God. I cannot make it alone. I have done some things today that can be considered accomplishment, but mostly I realize that attitude makes all the difference. I need the Lord. Maybe I underestimated how much. Okay, clearly I did. Big time. And I realize in this moment, THAT is the biggest change I need. Period. So I’ll say good night and I am confident that day 3 will find me with the light of His face shining on me.

Day 1: The Fabulous Begins

Well, today was my fabulous day. I felt so loved, as I got a whole lot of birthday wishes on facebook, along with text messages, and my roombuddy making me feel so special. 27. I have always, with little exception, been happy about growing older. I love that I am improving with age, and I know that this year will be the biggest for me. As I write that I know that I will either fly high or fall hard. Pastor Sanchez preached this morning about giving God, in this new year, what we love the most; laying it all on the alter. Indeed, I trust the Lord with my life.

The moments come, rain and shine, moments flat on my butt, and moments with my chin lifted up. I am very often crashing between hope and excitement, and disappointment and discouragement, and I try to equip myself for that. But I know that I have been weak lately, spiritually weak, because I have pretended to have strength of my own. With that weakness comes the diminished ability to recognize the attack of the enemy. And I say all that to say, I know I will have highs and lows. But I know, that I know, that God will be faithful to accomplish in me what He has purposed, to prepare me for Himself and then whatever He so chooses.

So today, I wore my cuute birthday blouse, and although I didn’t have as much time for makeup as I would have liked, I looked nice. Jennifer complimented my eyelashes, hahaha. I curled and sprayed my hair, and it looked niiice. I felt adequately fabulous. The rest of the day kinda went downhill in a sense. I didn’t really do much else, but I am striving to not regret those moments.

I have so many goals. I have so many ideas, so many plans. And I want, for once in my life, to accomplish what I am setting out to do. I really do want equal change on the inside too. I want to learn to love myself, and be satisfied inside my own skin. To not always want more, to not always want what I cannot have. To be happy being alone. Not that I will be alone forever, but to let my hopes for being with my husband not steal away the moments I can enjoy when I am by myself.

Lord, my year, 27, is before You. This year is already written in Your book; Every day, every moment. Be pleased with my life that Ican offer up to You as an offering. Lead me as I prepare myself for all that You have for me. You mean the world to me and ultimately I want to be satisifed with You. I want all that You want and nothing more. But I want to live absolutely everything that You approve of. Teach me Holy Spirit, step by step. And to Your name be all the glory and fame.

Oh yeah, and happy birthday to me!!

Faithful In The Small

Complaining that God gave me only one talent, or measure of investment, is my burying it in the ground and now, in this moment, I am deciding that I do not want to bail out of this thing. I have had complaints, against myself, against my lot, all night long. And granted, I have absolutely no cause to complain. I am thankful to say the Lord led me to the Ihop prayer stream. I am faced with a choice. I can bury this talent, because I’d rather feel slighted, or I can continue to invest it, trusting the Lord to bring the return that pleases Him. I am not ready to go out like this. I know there is more. I know the passion and desire inside me can bear fruit with much glory. What else is there to do but honor Him in what He has caused me to love?! For sure, that is the best thing.

And then I was thinking, I still want to have a worship ministry with my husband. This will only be my one shot if I bury my talent in the ground. If it pleases the One I worship, then He can use me forever, and I have to believe He will if I am fruitful for His glory, not mine. I know not how to further surrender the false and selfish thoughts and plans in my heart. Lord, my heart is laid bear before you and I ask you in humility and desperation to remove what does not please you. Watching the prayer and worship, I am also reminded how much I love it and it makes me feel alive. Yes, I can think about how only the best talent makes it, or whatever, but people are needed. If Ihop has 24/7 prayer, then they obviously need 24/7 musicians, worshippers, and prayers. How can I imagine the plans God has for the worship and prayer movement for the very end. Surely, it will grow. Surely, He will move in it. I want a part in that. What if, what if, God’s purpose in my heart is to prepare my heart, my hands, my plans, for that? So, I decide now to continue to be faithful. To enjoy what the Lord has given me, and not wish it away, not minimize what God is doing on the inside of me, of the earth, and even for no other purpose that His own holy pleasure.

God I love you. Thank You for Your faithfulness, that You never leave me, even in all my weakness. Have Your way with me, in me. Forever.

Day 0: Day of Preparation

To Honor Him With Every Detail.

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday and the beginning of a year of preparation for me… Time to get fabulous!! It pretty much puzzles me how so much of my life has gone by, and I have not been fabulous. This year is the year. By this time next year, only the Lord knows exactly where I’ll be, what my life will look like, and who I will become. This is an exciting launch into the shining of the Light in me. God has done so much in my heart in the past 2 weeks to make me ready to step out of the boat. He has taken me from the mud, so to speak, and is driving me to make preparations. I am ready. And I rely on His grace and His love to push me on and get me through.

 I am getting ready right now to go shopping, to try and find myself something to wear for my birthday. I will be asking the Lord for financial provision, which He is so generous with me, and where I lack that, wisdom. I am hoping to find what I am looking for at Ross… at a clearanced price. What am I looking for? Well, something fabulous, of course… And by that I really mean: I have no idea. I’m hoping to know when I see it.

Now this is me: I very strongly feel, and voice with certainty and frequency that God is in every detail of my life. And then it dawned on me tonight. I sure do not honor Him with every detail. There are details of who I could be, of little things I could do, to honor Him with ME, and it has never occured to me. So this is my goal. In addition, a good friend said this to me in an early birthday wish: “Enjoy all of your life, all of the time.” And from now on, I surely intend to.

Lord, my life is before You. Without You, I will not go. Lead me in Your Perfect Leadership and let Your peace accompany me. I will need You every step of this journey; Even every breath. Let the light of Your Face shine upon me and let my life bring You fame. I love You.