Group Project: Maturity in God

I am participating in this group project: Set Daily Goals for Maturity in God. You should too. 

Ever since I read Shawn’s series 168 hours to a focused life, I have realized my need for time management. What made the biggest impact on me was Mike Bickle’s statement here and Shawn’s advice here. Because I want the fullness of God and I desperately want a prayer life.

I have been trying ever since then to put myself on a schedule and I finally accomplished it today. The online calendar wasn’t working for me, so I had to do it on paper. Writing it all out makes it simple for me so that I feel like I can work with it. I already feel like I am accomplishing more because I know exactly what I want to accomplish.

My daily goals are:

1. Practice the Presence of God. Be a witness and blessing in all my relationships.

2. Accomplish actual quantities of time in prayer and Bible study, on purpose.

3. Be a good and faithful steward of my time, money, and talents, bringing glory to God in the every day.

Thankful

I am so thankful that God is continually revealing myself to me. Why I am hard-wired a certain why. Why I feel a certain way. What He is doing in me. How I should act. What I am called to.

I have struggled with longing. Last night God showed me that I had a choice. I could sit there and cry or I could get up and dance. I can feel frustrated by my inability to express and act out my longing for Him or I can get up and express it.

I am embracing His power intensifying inside of me; No longer caring if I am the only one romancing and being romanced by Him; Forgetting about everyone else and anyone else. Last night God revealed a great deal to me in this amazingly profound statement I spit out. 

I have to be who God is in me.

At any cost. The enemy loves to taunt me with accusations. That I do it for attention. That I do it for people to see me and hear me and think that I am ‘awesome’. That I think I am ‘awesome’. But I heard a teaching not too long ago about suffering. In the NT, Paul talks a lot about suffering. But there are some places where we don’t experience a whole lot of physical suffering. But this teacher brought out the concept of spiritual suffering. Killing the flesh is hard. Dying to self is difficult. It hurts. The enemy assaults us. So he should. He’s afraid of us and He should be!

There are many times when I choose to sit and cry rather than dance because I don’t want to deal with the enemy. (me to self: Weenie!) I know he is defeated and I have authority over him in Jesus’ name. But I sit anyway. Last night I realized: So what! So he taunts me! Suffer! I have heard it said that God allowed Paul to have a thorn in His flesh, which was a demon accusing Him of His past, to keep Him humble. Now whether you believe that or agree with that, I personally felt God telling me: Suffer! Not that God is uncaring, or harsh, but this is war. And it ain’t always easy. I am a mighty warrior. Not a weenie.

Growth is good. Really good. And I’m so thankful!

Adventures in Prayer continued

Sorry for the suspense. Back to the story. Zack had just called.

After she hung up the phone, we started talking about what we felt we were accomplishing in our prayers. We were all excited and felt that we had prayed through. Let me tell you. At this point, I was already getting ‘messed up’. And I was laughing.

Cynthia ran over to her computer and put on this video by Rick Pino. And we danced around her living room. What cracked me up was that I couldn’t stay standing. I kept subtly falling on the floor as I was trying to dance around the room. I’m not sure what’s up with that, but…

Ahh. It was good.

Adventures In Prayer

Last night, I met 2 friends for prayer and it was amazing.

Jessy Jeaux is the greatest blessing. We have known each other for about 4 years and in the last 7 months have been getting closer and closer. From friends to like-best friends to like-sisters. This special connection has been orchestrated by God Himself, and I’m going to start sharing the crazy times we have with God on a regular basis. Since we usually have weekends, at least Sundays, together, I’ll make it an every Monday thing. Mondays with Jessy maybe. She is called to the missionfield, to Africa, and God’s hand ON her entire life, FOR her entire life, makes me weep and get excited at the same time. Anyway, we have real good times.

Cynthia I have known of for years, but have only within the last year or so been wanting to be close to her. For the longest time, before God completed a PHENOMENAL healing in me, I thought she was so too cool, and that she wouldn’t want to be my friend. She is called to preach, and her energy for God amazes me. She is a sweetheart and she is after God.

We were going to meet up at the church during youth band practice, but they cancelled it because this weekend is Fine Arts. We prayed last Tuesday night during FA practice  because Jessy was preaching Wednesday night in youth and we wanted to keep praying because Cynthia is preaching tonight. She is preaching partly to practice her ’short sermon’ with which she will compete in Fine Arts this weekend. So we went to Cynthia’s house. And we prayed in her living room.

Prayer was crazy. I suppose it started out quiet. We kept getting fired up and just praying at the top of our lungs. Laying, sitting, pacing, jumping. You name it. Towards the end, Cynthia’s boyfriend Zack called, and Jessy I were so confused about what was happening. After Cynthia explained that she answered the phone, she started just mentioning how excited she was getting in her prayers, and started getting messed up. I started *laughing* and it was getting thicker and thicker in there.

To be continued…soon.

Consider Yourself Hugged

Cause I love to hug. And we’re friends now. So I wanted to tell you a little about myself.

I am 24 years old and I live in Texas.

Pink is my most favorite color, if you haven’t already guessed that much. I am very much a girly-girl. I love to wear earrings. I have long very-dark-blonde hair down to my elbows and I love it.  I wear shimmery eye powder on a daily basis.

Jesus is my First Love. After Him, my passions include: singing in worship(3-part harmony baby!), loving on kids, and loving on people in general.

I am called to full-time ministry, though I have no details yet. I used to could say what I expected and/or wanted for my life, but God has recently messed that up. He has changed everything I used to think. So I know not what the future holds for me. But I know I will have Him and He’s enough.

I am encourager, so I hope you find yourself encouraged.

I am serious about being friends, so I present this to you. Ask me an extremely random question about myself, then answer it for yourself. This way, we can get to know each other a little better.

What are you doing?

I talked to my good friend Britni on Saturday. She interns at Generation Church in WA. She is an amazing girl with a heart truly after God. We always talk about what God is doing in our lives and she is always encouraging me. I was thinking about calling her again today when I had a profound thought.

What God is doing is a direct correlation to what I am doing. All I can really talk about is what God is doing in me, through me, for me, and around me. If I have not been involving myself in ministry, in prayer, or in Godly relationships, when someone asks me, “What is God doing?” I won’t have much to say. Oh I might be able to dredge up something I heard, or something God did awhile ago, but it will be like stale bread. It will not be meat.

Any thoughts on this?

No Wonder

During Onething 06, I remember having the casual yet exciting thought that I was changed forever. I laugh at that now. My sweet heart wanting to be more like Jesus, wanting to be changed. I didn’t have the slightest clue how it would ruin me.

Since then, I have gone through stages.

First, it was about a month of struggling. I would watch the service dvds and be pretty much sick to my stomach because I wanted it so bad. I longed so hard to encounter God that I couldn’t even access that longing. It was like a leak in a dam wall, where I could literally feel the thick concrete, knowing there was an ocean behind it. One day, in a random moment, God revealed to me that I was looking back and immediately restored my expectation for Him. God revealed to me that I always struggle after a big spiritual event, for lack of a better term, because He is my heart. And He is all I want. When I get to encounter Him in such a dream-come-true-way, it kills me to have to go back to real life, where He is not my one and only task, if you will. In so many ways, I felt like I tasted hot, fresh bread, and I couldn’t stand to go back to cold, stale crumbs.

Second, there was a quiet. I accepted that is was the past and I embraced the change that God did in me. And I kept living for Him. Because my awareness of my need for prayer increased, I concentrated on spending more time with Him. And though I feel I didn’t accomplish it very often, I love that I have discovered how to sit down with my instruments and play a word. And just worship.

I started realizing what my struggle was. I was exposed to prophetic worship, the concept of night and day prayer, the constant sight of hungry hearts not playing games with God, a glimpse of a life absorbed in seeking God. That was all awakened inside of me. Then I came back home to an atmosphere without all that. My church is amazing and I know God will take it there, and it’s moving, slowly. But I came back to services void of hunger, people playing games, pretty much no opportunity to pray, worship that seemed like religious exercise, or so it seemed. It makes me want to scream. I have been so cautious not to be judgemental in any way, so please understand that I am only expressing the maddening frustration of my heart. Because it has been my own inability to express myself, to truly attain God, and to accomplish actual quantities of prayertime, that has aggravated me so. I had been changed on the inside and my struggle was my own inability to express that change. God has been showing me some ridiculous notion I had of having to conform to not be out of order. Really, He has revealed so much to me.

Third, I am hungry. So hungry it kills me. This stage is kinda 2-in-1. Because it is presently in transition so the division is kind of blurry. I started thinking about IHOP and FITN seriously, but the reality of it seemed pretty far away. The more I thought about it, the more and more I wanted it. And I really started articulating it. I would tell my mom and my close friends. “You know what I really want to do? Pray.” The concept of an intercessory missionary just hits me right in the heart.

During Onething, I had a lot of “No Wonder!” moments. As I saw a clearer picture of God’s purpose for me, I started understanding myself. “No wonder worship has always been so important to me!” “No wonder I always sing my own song to God when the music is being played!” “No wonder I always pray longer than everyone else!”

Just recently I have been having more of those moments. On Sunday night, while I was praying for revival for my youth group, I was starting to pray that God would prepare us to raise up a house of prayer in our church. I had recently articulated that I was desperate to have Him every single moment of every day and I was frustrated by the perception of so many being happy with once-a-week-just-barely or once-a-year-at-camp. This was on my mind as I was praying that we needed to be with Him more. All of a sudden I realized, no wonder I always want to be at His feet. No wonder I never want to leave the place where His presence is. No wonder I love being with Him. That is what I was created for!!! In the beginning God created man for fellowship with Him. But not in our shallow, human picture of fellowship. True communion in the Spirit. And this is how eternity will stretch out into forever. We will forevermore abide in the place of His presence in worship.  Argh! (Romans 8:23)

Then, Thursday night, I was asking God to reveal my heart behind emotions I was having.  Lately, my mom has been pressuring me to get better-paying job working full-time at the bank or with the airlines. And I couldn’t understand why I was so opposed to it. I have off-and-on been questioning if I was supposed to leave my job for something else, but have felt that God hasn’t really confirmed that. I’ve also been thinking about going to teaching or something. I just haven’t been really happy. Now, I have a great job with great people.  And I love helping people. But I couldn’t imagine being truly happy with any of the those jobs either. So I was expressing to Him my sole desire for Him. To be with Him, to be doing His stuff. And I was thinking about my desire for a life of prayer. And it hit me. “No wonder my job doesn’t make me happy! No wonder thinking about those other jobs make me think they wouldn’t make me happy! I want to pray!!!”

It’s really cool. At this point, it is only an understanding of how I feel and, in a way, permission to feel that way. It is not appropriate to take action on it yet, but I am so thankful that God reveals myself to me.

Finally it seems, God is stirring the people around me. He is stirring the atmosphere into one of hunger, expectation, and search. He is simultaneously teaching me how to express what He has awakened inside of me. And I feel like my lone pursuit is turning into a communitive race after God. He is moving and I am rejoicing in it. My “Yes Lord.” has long since turned into “PLEASE LORD!”

The more intimate I get with Him, the more I cannot even function unless I am at that level of closeness with Him. There’s no turning back now.

Intimacy in Intercession

As I was reading Josh Motlong’s post about intimacy and intercession, God gave me this  profound picture of it.

I feel like intercession validates my worth to God. It is Him calling me over to help Him. What makes me feel so honored is that I have no idea, in my human mind, what He is doing or what He is having me do, yet He trusts me enough to let me help anyway.

I feel intimacy in intercession. I picture me standing beside Him on the throne, looking over His shoulder, much like a nurse would stand beside a surgeon on a tv show. He allows me to assist and I am fascinated in being there, even though I don’t really see a picture of anyone or anything in front of us. I am just enraptured that I am at His side and He is using me. Because I don’t know what I am praying for but I know it is effective.

This is who I am

Misty Edwards sings, “I’m in love with God and God’s in love with me. And this is who I am and this is who I’ll be. And that settles it. Completely.”

This is who I am. Not ‘this is how I always feel’ but this is who I am.

This song has been an especially strong encouragement to me lately. I went through a weird mood, if you will, for a couple weeks where I stopped feeling. 

I describe it this way. I see my heart. Then I see it boarded up with a tall, all-enclosing fence. I see chains and a lock, complete with a sign that reads, “Closed For Business.” During that time, it was like my head started realizing that my heart wasn’t feeling. First, it noted the fact. Then it was concerned. Then it tried to get my heart’s attention. “Hello! Heart! You’re supposed to be feeling! Wake up!” This continued happening, and all the while I was getting more upset, wondering what in the world was wrong with me. It was like my head knew I loved Jesus but my heart was out of order; It wasn’t feeling it. And my head knew I longed for God, but my heart didn’t. My head knew I wanted with everything in me to be with Him, but I couldn’t get my heart to feel it. It was probably the strangest ‘twilight zone’ish thing I’ve experienced of late. The frustrating thing was that I wasn’t being me.

This funk passed eventually. One night, shortly after I was able to articulate the above to a close friend, I got on my bedroom floor to pray. I knew I badly needed intimacy again. I began to sing. “I feel Jesus. I feel Jesus. I feel Jesus in this place. And my soul does burn within me. I feel Jesus in this place.” After a couple times, I knew I entered into that place of intimacy with God and a sweet peace came over me.

The next morning, on my way to work, I was listening to Matt Kearney’s song, Nothing Left To Lose.

“Something’s in the air tonight
the sky’s alive with a burning light
you can mark my words something’s about to break

and i found myself in a bitter fight
while i’ve held your hand through the darkest night
don’t know where your coming from but your coming soon.”

I felt. I felt excitement, expectation, exhileration. When I got to work that morning, I penned “The Story of My Life”.

Looking back, I know where this came from. During one previous evening of prayer, I longed so hard and so strong for God that I cried for at least 3 hours straight. After that I remember thinking, I don’t want to cry anymore. My true prayer was that I would not have unfulfilled longing or unfilled hunger. But I was so broken. Broken by my own inability to pursue The Bread of Life in His fullness and be satisfied. Broken by others’ complacency and satisfaction with crumbs from yesteryear. I know where it came from, but I still don’t really know why it resulted in a struggle to feel.

Today, I was struck with the pecularity of feeling. The morning for me had been an interesting occurance of events, but not depressing. I had surprising peace in God’s great sovereignty over my life, quiet as it was. On my lunch break, I talked to a friend who shared with me a revelation God had literally just given her about herself. She started crying as she told me that He said, “You are my trusted one.” I was hit with awe that made my breath catch in my chest.

It was after we hung up that I started thinking how funny it is: feeling. One minute you feel nothing. You can be discouraged or just plain ‘blah’. Then in one breath, because of one word or one thought or one picture, you become overwhelmed.  You remember who God is. You remember who you are.

Your feelings can agree with who you are, but who you are is not based on your feelings.

During my struggle to feel, what most encouraged me was, “and this is who I’ll be. And that settles it. Completely.”

Now what resounds in me is “this is who I am.” This doesn’t have to be the way I feel. It is just who I am.

“The Story of My Life”

Wake up to the morning
My heart is alive
I break into a dead run

Write Your Name upon my heart
You are the center of my life
I breathe deep and chase after You

The wind blows past
The world rushes by
I cannot see it
My eyes are on the Prize

Everything’s a blur
Because nothing else matters
I cannot be stopped

The rhythm of my feet on the pavement
Remind me of Your constant faithfulness
I am overwhelmed by who You are

I’ve abandoned all for this pursuit
It hurts to stumble, to fall
But I must have You

A glimpse of You
I am tired yet infused with strength
I press on harder and harder

You are ready for me
A glorious preparing
The delight of my heart

All pales to black and white
You increase in light, in vibrance, my life
I am mesmerized

Running after You with all my might
Whatever it takes
The story of my life