No Wonder

During Onething 06, I remember having the casual yet exciting thought that I was changed forever. I laugh at that now. My sweet heart wanting to be more like Jesus, wanting to be changed. I didn’t have the slightest clue how it would ruin me.

Since then, I have gone through stages.

First, it was about a month of struggling. I would watch the service dvds and be pretty much sick to my stomach because I wanted it so bad. I longed so hard to encounter God that I couldn’t even access that longing. It was like a leak in a dam wall, where I could literally feel the thick concrete, knowing there was an ocean behind it. One day, in a random moment, God revealed to me that I was looking back and immediately restored my expectation for Him. God revealed to me that I always struggle after a big spiritual event, for lack of a better term, because He is my heart. And He is all I want. When I get to encounter Him in such a dream-come-true-way, it kills me to have to go back to real life, where He is not my one and only task, if you will. In so many ways, I felt like I tasted hot, fresh bread, and I couldn’t stand to go back to cold, stale crumbs.

Second, there was a quiet. I accepted that is was the past and I embraced the change that God did in me. And I kept living for Him. Because my awareness of my need for prayer increased, I concentrated on spending more time with Him. And though I feel I didn’t accomplish it very often, I love that I have discovered how to sit down with my instruments and play a word. And just worship.

I started realizing what my struggle was. I was exposed to prophetic worship, the concept of night and day prayer, the constant sight of hungry hearts not playing games with God, a glimpse of a life absorbed in seeking God. That was all awakened inside of me. Then I came back home to an atmosphere without all that. My church is amazing and I know God will take it there, and it’s moving, slowly. But I came back to services void of hunger, people playing games, pretty much no opportunity to pray, worship that seemed like religious exercise, or so it seemed. It makes me want to scream. I have been so cautious not to be judgemental in any way, so please understand that I am only expressing the maddening frustration of my heart. Because it has been my own inability to express myself, to truly attain God, and to accomplish actual quantities of prayertime, that has aggravated me so. I had been changed on the inside and my struggle was my own inability to express that change. God has been showing me some ridiculous notion I had of having to conform to not be out of order. Really, He has revealed so much to me.

Third, I am hungry. So hungry it kills me. This stage is kinda 2-in-1. Because it is presently in transition so the division is kind of blurry. I started thinking about IHOP and FITN seriously, but the reality of it seemed pretty far away. The more I thought about it, the more and more I wanted it. And I really started articulating it. I would tell my mom and my close friends. “You know what I really want to do? Pray.” The concept of an intercessory missionary just hits me right in the heart.

During Onething, I had a lot of “No Wonder!” moments. As I saw a clearer picture of God’s purpose for me, I started understanding myself. “No wonder worship has always been so important to me!” “No wonder I always sing my own song to God when the music is being played!” “No wonder I always pray longer than everyone else!”

Just recently I have been having more of those moments. On Sunday night, while I was praying for revival for my youth group, I was starting to pray that God would prepare us to raise up a house of prayer in our church. I had recently articulated that I was desperate to have Him every single moment of every day and I was frustrated by the perception of so many being happy with once-a-week-just-barely or once-a-year-at-camp. This was on my mind as I was praying that we needed to be with Him more. All of a sudden I realized, no wonder I always want to be at His feet. No wonder I never want to leave the place where His presence is. No wonder I love being with Him. That is what I was created for!!! In the beginning God created man for fellowship with Him. But not in our shallow, human picture of fellowship. True communion in the Spirit. And this is how eternity will stretch out into forever. We will forevermore abide in the place of His presence in worship.  Argh! (Romans 8:23)

Then, Thursday night, I was asking God to reveal my heart behind emotions I was having.  Lately, my mom has been pressuring me to get better-paying job working full-time at the bank or with the airlines. And I couldn’t understand why I was so opposed to it. I have off-and-on been questioning if I was supposed to leave my job for something else, but have felt that God hasn’t really confirmed that. I’ve also been thinking about going to teaching or something. I just haven’t been really happy. Now, I have a great job with great people.  And I love helping people. But I couldn’t imagine being truly happy with any of the those jobs either. So I was expressing to Him my sole desire for Him. To be with Him, to be doing His stuff. And I was thinking about my desire for a life of prayer. And it hit me. “No wonder my job doesn’t make me happy! No wonder thinking about those other jobs make me think they wouldn’t make me happy! I want to pray!!!”

It’s really cool. At this point, it is only an understanding of how I feel and, in a way, permission to feel that way. It is not appropriate to take action on it yet, but I am so thankful that God reveals myself to me.

Finally it seems, God is stirring the people around me. He is stirring the atmosphere into one of hunger, expectation, and search. He is simultaneously teaching me how to express what He has awakened inside of me. And I feel like my lone pursuit is turning into a communitive race after God. He is moving and I am rejoicing in it. My “Yes Lord.” has long since turned into “PLEASE LORD!”

The more intimate I get with Him, the more I cannot even function unless I am at that level of closeness with Him. There’s no turning back now.