I am so thankful that God is continually revealing myself to me. Why I am hard-wired a certain why. Why I feel a certain way. What He is doing in me. How I should act. What I am called to.
I have struggled with longing. Last night God showed me that I had a choice. I could sit there and cry or I could get up and dance. I can feel frustrated by my inability to express and act out my longing for Him or I can get up and express it.
I am embracing His power intensifying inside of me; No longer caring if I am the only one romancing and being romanced by Him; Forgetting about everyone else and anyone else. Last night God revealed a great deal to me in this amazingly profound statement I spit out.
I have to be who God is in me.
At any cost. The enemy loves to taunt me with accusations. That I do it for attention. That I do it for people to see me and hear me and think that I am ‘awesome’. That I think I am ‘awesome’. But I heard a teaching not too long ago about suffering. In the NT, Paul talks a lot about suffering. But there are some places where we don’t experience a whole lot of physical suffering. But this teacher brought out the concept of spiritual suffering. Killing the flesh is hard. Dying to self is difficult. It hurts. The enemy assaults us. So he should. He’s afraid of us and He should be!
There are many times when I choose to sit and cry rather than dance because I don’t want to deal with the enemy. (me to self: Weenie!) I know he is defeated and I have authority over him in Jesus’ name. But I sit anyway. Last night I realized: So what! So he taunts me! Suffer! I have heard it said that God allowed Paul to have a thorn in His flesh, which was a demon accusing Him of His past, to keep Him humble. Now whether you believe that or agree with that, I personally felt God telling me: Suffer! Not that God is uncaring, or harsh, but this is war. And it ain’t always easy. I am a mighty warrior. Not a weenie.
Growth is good. Really good. And I’m so thankful!
April 30, 2007 at 5:57 pm
This is very good… and very timely. I just linked to your page from The Fight Spot today. I have followed God all of my life, but He has been taking me on such a journey lately in this very area. I have always worshipped, and loved it (singing, music, art, dancing) more than anything but never felt the freedom or the ‘go ahead’ to pursue any of it full time. It was only okayed to be a hobby… one that was ill prepared and rarely allowed to be indulged in at that. God has taken the last year or so to show me my identity in Him. I am an “Anna”. I am a worshipper. I am an intercessor. I am an artist. I am a dancer. I can’t tell you what battles I have gone through just to be able to say those short sentences out loud. I never knew the things so deep inside of me were worth pursuing (or rather that I was worth enough to pursue something important to me). Basically, I have come to the crossroads of either I keep telling myself that whatever I want doesn’t matter or I tell myself that God matters! and press on. I don’t sing for myself. I don’t even sing to minister to others. Ministering to others is His job alone. I sing to Him. He does the rest. Here I was thinking I had come so far and was ‘cured’ of all my issues with this stuff… and Saturday night (after our church’s worship & prayer time) a new girl came up and wanted to pray and sing Zeph. 3:17 over me. I was elated, but as she did I realized that this stuff I deal with isn’t over.. but maybe even far from it. Daily I have to choose to be a worshipper and go at it no matter the cost in the natural. The thoughts you shared plague me regularly. I love the conclusion you have come to. I will repeat it to myself over and over. Thank you very much for sharing and for being open enough to know I am not alone.
May 1, 2007 at 11:26 pm
So true… It is difficult to die to self, and the enemy comes against us, and the world tries to distract us, and sometimes even our brothers and sisters in the faith can bring us down with doubt and criticism (because they don’t understand). But being “sold out” for Jesus is awesome. It’s definitely worth the tough times.
And I’ve found that when life is the hardest, when I come to the end of myself and give God all the pieces of my life (even the broken and dirty pieces), that He reveals Himself to me in a way that is more intimate that I have ever known. Dying to self tends to lead to these experiences. So while struggling through the tough times, I try to remember that God is always there with me and helps me, and I will get through it.
May 2, 2007 at 2:47 am
JoAnna: Wow, I am so glad, and so honored, that God used what I wrote to minister to you. It’s so amazing what God is doing for you. About being an ‘Anna’: I am so suspicious about what’s in me. And I am asking God for revelation. To show me what the passions He’s put in me really mean.
It’s really funny that you mention ‘issues’. I have a burden and passion for worship but God has used me lass and less over the years. This has quietly puzzled me. Lately, my eyes have been opened to the ‘issues’ I have concerning this very puzzle and my curiousity has been piqued to see if they are the culprit. At any rate, I almost feel like I am reading my own heart, when I read what you wrote. So Praise the Lord that He has brought us together.
Beppo: I LOVE how God uses the hardest times to teach me, to show me Himself and His ways. I love it when he takes the maddening, exasperating things about me and shows me that He causes it to make sense. He’s so good!
May 2, 2007 at 2:32 pm
Robin, that’s so fun… that we have similar heart cries! I am definately making your site a regular.
Psalm 37 has been a staple for me through the last few weeks. Enjoy.