Well, this day did not go quite how I hoped it would, but Jesus is still Lord. I did learn something.
I was thinking of my friend Chris. This guy, by simply praying over his food, makes you feel convicted to love Jesus more. I told the Lord, sometimes my heart feels so far away from you. The Lord then allowed me to see this truth: In reality, I love Him so much and I am so passionate for him, that sometimes I turn it off. I disconnect myself from it. It’s a stupid reason and I am asking the Lord to bring me revelation concerning it.
I love Him. I am consumed with living for Him, with being wholeheartedly His every moment of every day, walking in passion to be all He has destined me to be. Yet there are days I hate. When I am faced with the mundane. When I am forced to live what my friend Jennifer calls a secular life. The everyday. Like today, where it was just me and my mom and my grandma. Being at home, going shopping. No friends that share this higher calling. No corporate prayer time. No passionate talk about Jesus. No getting messed up simply because I talked about God. No encouraging someone else or giving account for the fire inside me.
So I struggled. Since I could not embody the passion inside me, I disconnected from it. Not on purpose, mind you. It’s almost like I don’t get my way, so the expression of my life turns from passion to pout. It’s pretty ridiculous, but I’m genuinely upset about this struggle.
All I want is Jesus. All I want is to live in Him 24/7. I cannot even really put my heart into words. I want to always be going 100 mph for Him. So on days when I can’t, I feel like a failure. I honestly feel like God is mad at me, even if it is simply me being mad at myself. I never want to have a day when I can’t be chasing God with all my might. How can I when He’s coming back? How can I when there is so much more of Him, when I am still so far away from him? How can I when there is so much on His heart that He wants me to do? When the fire burns so violently inside of me? I come to despise the times when I am stuck at home because I loathe being unproductive for Him!
Can anyone relate?
Well, tomorrow is going to be a fabulous day. I have to work, and us singles will probably get together and hang, and that will be amazing. I am thankful because I know God is growing me in grace and in the knowledge of Him. He is good to bring me revelation so I can understand myself and serve Him better. I love Him.
