Sometimes I struggle. Spiritually. Tonight, I was crying out to the Lord about it and was able to articulate it.
God, it hurts. How long will it hurt like this? It’s like when you are using a muscle, and all your strength has been spent and you cannot hold it any longer.
You know it’s good, and will cause you to grow, but it hurts. The pain sometimes causes you to just stop, in frustration, in lack of knowledge, and walk away. You know you will keep coming back, even if you keep walking away. You know you have to accomplish your exercise, and you know you will.
It’s like I am pushing a wall. In whatever I am trying to master, I push and push and strive, until I have to walk away. I have to get past it. I want to get past it, but the difficulty…it’s terrible.
I know you are teaching me, but I just don’t understand yet. I know I am not alone. It is the Spirit that leads me to desire growth, that leads me to pursue whatever struggle causes growth. Without the Spirit, I would be still and die.
My motive is to know You. My motive comes because You are the only One worth living for. You are It, God. My world begins and ends with You. Nothing else matters. Sometimes I despise having to live, having to work, having to breathe, having to wait for my Wedding Day. Why? Why can’t I have You now? Why must I strive, and face my own wretchedness. I cannot even count on myself to love you, to desire you, from one moment to the next. I hate that, God!
I am so thankful that God is patient. I know that if I have to walk away, even for several years, from a struggle, God will be faithful to successfully teach me, to literally gift me with the maturity and understanding to finally live and walk victorious in it.
I know because He has done it for me. And it was worth it. I see that I was so impatient with myself, and I can see the compassion He had for me. He knew that struggling was so painful for me.
And I see how ‘Godly sorrow’ is good. Probably a good 6 years ago I learned how precious it is to weep before the Lord. How I cherish moments of brokenness before Him. Even now, I would rather cry to Him because of a burden of desire for Him, even though it is hard, than feel like I have experienced Him and no longer burn with desire for Him.
He’s so amazing. I have learned well that He can be trusted. So I trust Him.
