Hard Questions

How far can I possibly run from God in the guise of being an adult and doing things my own way? How long can what might be again push me to what already has been? How long will my fears of being out of control push me to repeated bad decisions? How long will I foolishly lollygag on the battlefield without any armor on and fall wounded in surprise when I am targeted? How long will I do it my way, convinced that I am doing things His way? How long will I be happy prepared to make certain decisions, only to change my mind in the moment of choice? When will I recognize the harm I am doing to myself? When will I realize that I am not where I am supposed to be? Ho much longer will I let the waves of do-to-do-la-la-la-la carry me deep into the ocean of apathy. How long before I get enough air to cry out to be rescued? How long will I be happy in this fog of unclear thinking? How long will my defining mood be numb because I cannot figure myself out? How long will I sit here in helplessness, wishing I was someone else, instead of making my life count? How is it easier to want everyone else’s life than to make the choices that would cause me to love mine?

How long has it been anyway? I am 26 and I just make all the wrong decisions. Can I remember the last time I prayed, or read my Bible? Can I remember the last time I really gave 100% of my life to the Lord or my heart to the ministry? I hate this feeling that I am so far away. My hope is in Christ’s power to bring me back to Him, but what of this m.o. to only run away again? How is it that I am running away and pushing Him away and distancing myself from Him, but not realizing it until this moment, when all I can see is the fog, and all I can do is hope He still wants me.

But I see Him. Here, in the depths of my need, I finally see Him. I see His power. I see the power of His resurrection. I see the hope to which I was called. I hear that He is mighty to save and I know He did not author a salvation that He couldn’t save me by. I see the tenderness in His eyes, and I know He understands my weakness. He is not hard. He is not mad at me. He knows that I am broken, that I regret my failure. He knows that my desires for Him are a result of the fellowship His call has destined me for. His heart is not about to give up on me. His heart is strong to sustain me. His Holy Spirit is able to be my helper. Jesus, my Jesus. I want to run to Him. I know He wants that to. I have to ignore the shadows of the mountains that rise up between us. If I would run, I would realize there is nothing that can seperate me. Wash my eyes, Jesus, so I can truly see and cleanse my heart so I can fully believe. You are beautiful, and I am only beautiful in how well I reflect you. Give me the gift of being able to block out the shadows. I will die if I cannot have you; if i cannot hold you.

My life doesn’t make sense most of the time. And I just need You. My failures bring so much disorientation to my heart. The more I fail, the more detached I feel from the life I want to live before You. Cleanse me of my failures. Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one who cannot get it together. I know I have very high standards for myself but obviously they are not high enough. I define endurance as not giving up even though I feel like I am a complete failure. But not to keep on failing, to keep on striving towards the Mark. By the time I get to the bottom of the pit and realize I am in darkness, I question why I did not sense that I was sinking, and why I could not see the light diminishing. But Lord, these are the shadows of the mountains. Shadows, all around me, when I just want to see you.

You will be my Strength. You will be my Song. You will be my Light all the whole night long.                                      Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb.                                                              And though I walk through the valley, it’s only a shadow. It’s only a shadow.                                                                            And though my body may perish, it’s only a shadow. It’s only a shadow.                                                                                           It’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow.

There’s something bigger going on. There’s Someone bigger than me. He’s holy. Holy. There’s something bigger going on. There’s Someone bigger than me…

Random Convictions…

At promptly 6:30, I am going to church. Youth tonight consists of The Quest, which is an extravagant scavenger hunt, that I hope will prove to be great fun and a lot of laughs. Some friends are talking about going tonight after ten to see the new Madea movie and I really want to go, but I’m definitely conflicted. I just heard an ad for it on the gospel radion station and was like, you gotta be kidding me!! Madea actually makes me really angry. And that’s the honest truth. How can a man who says He’s a Christian, play a woman who cusses and acts pervertedly and unGodly?

That’s my question. I mean, why do we laugh at sin? Why? What makes it funny? In my own heart I examine myself. If I do not agree with it, I will not watch it. If I would not do it or watch someone else do it, I am certainly not going to entertain myself with it. If it does not please Jesus, it does not please me. Is this harsh? I would say the spirit of Jezebel is the spirit that permits sin, and it is also the spirit that begins to harrassingly accuse those who refuse to permit sin. Is this radical? Shouldn’t we be radical? Focused abandonment right? I don’t know, but the more  express my thoughts on it, the more I think I might have to decline the invitation until someone I trust reccommends it to me.

Random convictions. Where did that come from?

I praise God to say I am completely free from what I was struggling with 2 days ago. The devil is such a LIAR. To God be all the glory for being SO faithful and SO good. I am thankful that He indeed knows what is going on and He consequently is able to answer prayers I am not even capable of praying! “‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus!” You can never trust Him too much because He never fails!!

Just some thoughts

Wow, it’s been almost 2 years. I’ve been wanting to write, but just haven’t had the time. Until now. I write in hope that I can pray. I write in hope that the mess inside of me will become sensible thoughts, concerns, and faith.

I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I’m trying to be strong. I write so that maybe I won’t have to cry. Or maybe writing it out will let the tears come. It’s so funny to me that God can take me so far, and I can know I am following His perfect leadership, and then all of a sudden, everything is shaky. And instead of being full of life and joy and beaming with gratefulness, I want to retreat so far into the corner. I want to give up. The depths of my brokenness surpasses my knowledge. But it’s a brokenness filled with pain and I don’t have any reason to feel it. God has given me so much, He has been so present in these days. His hand has moved so much for me. He has opened door after door. And so I tell myself that the enemy is attacking and I am trying to just hang on. Hang on for dear life. There’s a song that goes, “If you can use anything Lord,you can use me…” And today I found my heart crying out, “If I can do anything Lord I can trust you!!!”

I feel so many things that don’t make any sense to me. I feel so alone. But I know He is with me. Not only did He say it, but this pain compares not to what it would be like if He had left me. I would die.

Israel and New Breed has this AMAZING song called Alpha and Omega that I am listening to right now. My roommate encouraged me recently with something that I am trying to receive right now. He is my beginning and He is my end and whatever happens in the middle doesn’t really matter. I know my God is real, and I struggle with not finding Him. Ok, so I am looking for filet mignon and I am finding taco meat. What I mean is that I have encountered Him, in unspeakably amazing ways, and I need Him tangibly. The thing is, I KNOW He is available to me; there is no limit to how He is willing to encounter me. And so I want to learn so much: to cling to the knowledge of Him when He is calling me to pursuit and I have not the strength or the capability.

What I am going through begs a question though. What happens when the time comes that, as Jesus said, brother begins to betray brother, and friend betrays friend, mother turns against daughter, and son against father? What happens when the ones that I loved and was sure loved me, begins to betray me because of the cause of Christ? How will I deal with that pain? Will I lose hope and want to cry? How will I be strong? Will the world that seems to be full of light suddenly turn to darkness? I know that the time of Jesus’ coming will be at the very darkest hour of history, but what about the light in me? Will it be shining bright enough to sustain me? Will I have enough oil? Ok, so it begs a lot of questions.