Just some thoughts

Wow, it’s been almost 2 years. I’ve been wanting to write, but just haven’t had the time. Until now. I write in hope that I can pray. I write in hope that the mess inside of me will become sensible thoughts, concerns, and faith.

I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I’m trying to be strong. I write so that maybe I won’t have to cry. Or maybe writing it out will let the tears come. It’s so funny to me that God can take me so far, and I can know I am following His perfect leadership, and then all of a sudden, everything is shaky. And instead of being full of life and joy and beaming with gratefulness, I want to retreat so far into the corner. I want to give up. The depths of my brokenness surpasses my knowledge. But it’s a brokenness filled with pain and I don’t have any reason to feel it. God has given me so much, He has been so present in these days. His hand has moved so much for me. He has opened door after door. And so I tell myself that the enemy is attacking and I am trying to just hang on. Hang on for dear life. There’s a song that goes, “If you can use anything Lord,you can use me…” And today I found my heart crying out, “If I can do anything Lord I can trust you!!!”

I feel so many things that don’t make any sense to me. I feel so alone. But I know He is with me. Not only did He say it, but this pain compares not to what it would be like if He had left me. I would die.

Israel and New Breed has this AMAZING song called Alpha and Omega that I am listening to right now. My roommate encouraged me recently with something that I am trying to receive right now. He is my beginning and He is my end and whatever happens in the middle doesn’t really matter. I know my God is real, and I struggle with not finding Him. Ok, so I am looking for filet mignon and I am finding taco meat. What I mean is that I have encountered Him, in unspeakably amazing ways, and I need Him tangibly. The thing is, I KNOW He is available to me; there is no limit to how He is willing to encounter me. And so I want to learn so much: to cling to the knowledge of Him when He is calling me to pursuit and I have not the strength or the capability.

What I am going through begs a question though. What happens when the time comes that, as Jesus said, brother begins to betray brother, and friend betrays friend, mother turns against daughter, and son against father? What happens when the ones that I loved and was sure loved me, begins to betray me because of the cause of Christ? How will I deal with that pain? Will I lose hope and want to cry? How will I be strong? Will the world that seems to be full of light suddenly turn to darkness? I know that the time of Jesus’ coming will be at the very darkest hour of history, but what about the light in me? Will it be shining bright enough to sustain me? Will I have enough oil? Ok, so it begs a lot of questions.