How far can I possibly run from God in the guise of being an adult and doing things my own way? How long can what might be again push me to what already has been? How long will my fears of being out of control push me to repeated bad decisions? How long will I foolishly lollygag on the battlefield without any armor on and fall wounded in surprise when I am targeted? How long will I do it my way, convinced that I am doing things His way? How long will I be happy prepared to make certain decisions, only to change my mind in the moment of choice? When will I recognize the harm I am doing to myself? When will I realize that I am not where I am supposed to be? Ho much longer will I let the waves of do-to-do-la-la-la-la carry me deep into the ocean of apathy. How long before I get enough air to cry out to be rescued? How long will I be happy in this fog of unclear thinking? How long will my defining mood be numb because I cannot figure myself out? How long will I sit here in helplessness, wishing I was someone else, instead of making my life count? How is it easier to want everyone else’s life than to make the choices that would cause me to love mine?
How long has it been anyway? I am 26 and I just make all the wrong decisions. Can I remember the last time I prayed, or read my Bible? Can I remember the last time I really gave 100% of my life to the Lord or my heart to the ministry? I hate this feeling that I am so far away. My hope is in Christ’s power to bring me back to Him, but what of this m.o. to only run away again? How is it that I am running away and pushing Him away and distancing myself from Him, but not realizing it until this moment, when all I can see is the fog, and all I can do is hope He still wants me.
But I see Him. Here, in the depths of my need, I finally see Him. I see His power. I see the power of His resurrection. I see the hope to which I was called. I hear that He is mighty to save and I know He did not author a salvation that He couldn’t save me by. I see the tenderness in His eyes, and I know He understands my weakness. He is not hard. He is not mad at me. He knows that I am broken, that I regret my failure. He knows that my desires for Him are a result of the fellowship His call has destined me for. His heart is not about to give up on me. His heart is strong to sustain me. His Holy Spirit is able to be my helper. Jesus, my Jesus. I want to run to Him. I know He wants that to. I have to ignore the shadows of the mountains that rise up between us. If I would run, I would realize there is nothing that can seperate me. Wash my eyes, Jesus, so I can truly see and cleanse my heart so I can fully believe. You are beautiful, and I am only beautiful in how well I reflect you. Give me the gift of being able to block out the shadows. I will die if I cannot have you; if i cannot hold you.
My life doesn’t make sense most of the time. And I just need You. My failures bring so much disorientation to my heart. The more I fail, the more detached I feel from the life I want to live before You. Cleanse me of my failures. Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one who cannot get it together. I know I have very high standards for myself but obviously they are not high enough. I define endurance as not giving up even though I feel like I am a complete failure. But not to keep on failing, to keep on striving towards the Mark. By the time I get to the bottom of the pit and realize I am in darkness, I question why I did not sense that I was sinking, and why I could not see the light diminishing. But Lord, these are the shadows of the mountains. Shadows, all around me, when I just want to see you.
You will be my Strength. You will be my Song. You will be my Light all the whole night long. Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb. And though I walk through the valley, it’s only a shadow. It’s only a shadow. And though my body may perish, it’s only a shadow. It’s only a shadow. It’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow.
There’s something bigger going on. There’s Someone bigger than me. He’s holy. Holy. There’s something bigger going on. There’s Someone bigger than me…
