Well, it’s December 31st. It’s the very last day of the year. I recall New Year’s Eve 2009 with Jennifer at Jim’s but I do not recall NYE 2010. But here it is: NYE 2011. It’s also 3 & 1/2 days to my 29th birthday. So, it’s a time for great reflection. But I know I am way hard on myself. I do not always reflect correctly.
What a day it has been so far. Sick again, although I should be getting better already. So much struggle. Feeling again such a fight to sit here in the place of prayer. Fight from the inside and fight from the outside. Oh to finally realize that God is truly who He says He is. And that I am truly loved like I want to be. By God and by the body. How much more could I accomplish if I would not get tripped up in my own thoughts. If I would not believe the lies that are constantly being thrown at me. And if I would not get so distracted by the things that matter so little. But it is only here in the place of prayer that I see clearly what is important and what is not.
God it is almost 2012 and I am almost 29. What do you want from me? I get so disoriented. I want to trust You more than I need anything else. I feel so empty and so lacking and I forget that You love me. I forget Your promise. I know you are faithful. But I don’t yet. In all the tumbling around, I forget. Sometimes it makes so little sense. Trusting You is higher than things making sense. I have so little understanding, such limited vision. How can I possibly grasp who you are, or what Your plan is?
It is a day of prayer and there is so much to resolve.
Sometimes, most of the time, I just want to get lost in You. Like many popular tales, I want to enter Your kingdom, and not have to come back. I know it must sound so silly to compare it to fairy tales, but unforturnately, I have made aloowed my head to be filled and occupied by them all. That is not exactly the way Your kingdom works. It is all too clear that I have not quite gotten the hang of it yet; living the Kingdom. I need more. I am clearly lacking so much much. Why is this so hard? I want to ask what obvious thing have I missed? What key lesson is it that i have not learned yet? Will this struggle go on forever? I suppose not. I suppose it is always changing, as I am always maturing, whether I recongnize it or not. If I keep expecting to finally arrive at my goal/destination, then I will be continually disappointed. What is it that I am expecting? What is it that I expect of myself? To please people? Just throwing that out there. I have to get to the point where I can have peace with myself. Or else I will just always be miserable. I feel so weak. I feel so tired. I am not sure if that is the physical tainting the spiritual. I am so disappointed with myself but I really have to move on. It’s been a really hard year. But compared to who? Compared to what? To this perfect, ideal, struggle-less life I set up for myself in my head. I get so frustrated with my weakness. I just want to be more. I just want to have more strength. To not fall SO short in EVERYTHING!! And yet I find me telling myself, Robin, you don’t try very hard.
So is it a question of hope? Is it a a question on looking forward to something. It is just about 2012 and yet I never saw myself here. I cannot see myself in the future, old, married, with children, anything. I cannot see past today. I find it extremely hard to pick myself up and work for something. I do not like who I have become. Is this in truth? I’m not sure. Is it something else? Do I expect too much of myself? Do I see myself through other eyes who rightly do not view me like I should view myself? I have so many questions. And at this point, I am at a loss to know what 2012 will hold, or bring. Or 29, for that matter.
WOW WHAT A VERSE OF THE DAY!! craziness.
Verse of the Day
“This is what the LORD says— he who made a way through the sea, a path through the mighty waters, “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:16, 18-19 NIV
God, You are so amazing and so worthy of my life and my love and my devotion. Patience is needed, above all else, to stay before you and not tire in giving you all the glory and praise you are so worthy of.
16Therefore we do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though our outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day.
” For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!],
Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Lord. I ask for oil, to keep the fire on the alter. I need oil. you are so worthy of unceasing worship.
Lord, what you do is so incredible. I cannot describe the miracles you do inside of me so easily. I find my joy and my peace in you. I find all the peace I need. You overwhelm me so quickly. You make me speechless so quickly. I am all amazed by Your power and Your work inside of me.
So here I am again, asking you about the 10p-12am worship set. The truth is that I have not been able to make it to the 6am sets, and that has been frustrating me so incredibly. As I sit and listen to davida play her devotional set, it resounds inside of me, this is my destiny. This very thing is what I want, what I need, what I have always dreamed about. Even though it took so many years for me to realize it. I am so proud of my friend and I enjoy her worship so, so much. I realize that in spite of all my babbling, this is my only resolution. Everything else is so trivial. It will come; it will work itself out. It is so small compared to finding myself in the place of prayer, giving worship to the all-worthy One. Should I count that an answer? I have many questions, and I do not begin to trust myself, my abilities, my strength. But I trust God, and this is living inside me; I can feel it so strongly.
I really do want to understand why I feel the way that I do. I have lived too long thinking I was wrong. For a long time, I have felt alone in this; I have felt despised. Now I have found this community that has committed to live this way. This is right; this is fitting. I am no longer alone. But I want to have knowledge to go with this feeling. Here, I feel so whole, so complete. so peaceful. I know I was born for this. I want to stay here. This is what You wanted all along God. A friend, a lover, a bride. In response to Your beauty, what else can I do but sit here and look at You? When You make me feel the way that You do, what else can I do but stay here with You?
I thought I would come and pray, and make this inspired list of resolutions I wanted to commit to, in many areas of my life… But no. I have one. To be in the place of prayer. To be a part of keeping the fire on the alter. Because He is so worthy. He was in the beginning. And He is the End of All. Worthy. Forever.
