What a wonderful morning!! Kid’s church was phenominal this morning. My two kiddos: we prayed, we worshipped, I taught keyboard, and I taught them truth. I felt so whole-hearted and I really enjoyed it. Several comments were made in encouragement. Yet still, I long for more. I long for fruit. I long for growth. Jesus, teach me how to prepare. Teach me faithfulness, that bigger things may come. I know more children are coming. Put into place and set into motion what needs to be. And come and fulfill the plans of your heart in this childrens’ ministry.
And even as I sit here, and to my chagrin, my room is such a mess. I was planning to move out. And that is postponed temporarily. For the first time, I really can picture myself in my own place here in Houston. God, I trust You for it. you have done greater things, and you have done lesser things. Please, Lord, I ask in brokenness: do not let me pine for what was. Do not let me wish to go backwards. Even if I was not wholly right in moving from San Antonio back home, I know I am right where i supposed to be.
“but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the [supreme and heavenly] prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward.”
I am very sentimental, and things mean a lot to me. Lord, You know, even though I do not fully understand why, or if it is for good. It is difficult for me to think upon it sometimes. But I trust You. And my heart is full of gratefulness that You have brought me so far, and You have caused my dream to come true: to be a part of keeping the fire on the alter. So let me not, in my weakness, in any distrust, desire to go back. Let me honor You, what You are doing, what You have done, and all that You have planned. What I straining toward is not a future, necessarily. (When it comes to people, you ordain relationships, and You know what You have planned for me.) This prize, is Jesus. This prize is God, making His dwelling place among men. Oh, how I long for that.
Lord. I ask for Your grace. Teach me how to love unselfishly. Let me love You, without asking for attention to it. Let me be obedient, and let me burn. Let me not be such a dim flame that I have to draw attention to each spark. Let me not long for others to praise me. God, let my one motivation be to bring you pleasure. May I care only about how You feel about me, God. Give me an increasing awareness of how much You see me. In brokenness, I ask: Let me love unselfishly. I should not be trying to earn the affection of those I love, no matter how much I love them. Let me love, expecting no love in return. You have called Your body to love each other, but You loved us first, when we could not love You. But, that, in no way, diminished the fervor and passion of your love, nor the expression thereof. I want to love, solely to be like You and to please You, to be an expression of You. I don’t want to be afraid. I want to know You so well, no one need reassure me of Your love, or any other love. Give me unselfish love. That I may be so whole-hearted and unabashed.
I long for unceasing fellowship with You. I may never understand why I long for You so. But I really was created to dwell with You. And I feel so lovesick. Maybe I am too simple. Maybe I am too soft. But I wasn’t made for this world; I was made for You, for Your pleasure. And I want You to take that pleasure from me. You are so incredible to be a Father to the plethora of personalities that You created. You know how to love me. You know how to deal with me. What brings me such joy and completeness is the place of prayer. Oh, I get bored. And most times, I have to fight to get there. But then I never want to leave.
Come as close as You want. Consume this heart that longs to burn. I know your fire can hurt but I would be worse here without You. For I was made to dwell with You. And how I ache until I do. Come and take all these chains that get in the way of what you want. And as I stand in the flame, still I will say I trust You, God. For I was made to dwell with You. And how I ache until I do.
