Well, it’s a long story but I love every detail because God is in them all. I want every bit of His amazingness to be known so He can get so much glory!!

The Background

I met Jennifer New Year’s 06. I never imagined we would grow so close. I had been praying about moving out of my mom’s and getting my own place and God very clearly opened the door for Jen and I to share a 2 bedroom apt here in Spring in May 09. It was the perfect little set-up at a discounted price and we both knew that God totally gave it to us. Throughout everything that happened during our 5 months, I trusted God so much because I knew He had literally given it to us fully knowing everything that would happen.

The First Call: Jennifer

So Jennifer went with P12, the older singles group, on a trip to San Antonio, which included going to SeaWorld, and visiting La Trinidad church, where the parents of P12’s leader, Adam Sanchez, had been pastoring about 9 months. While visiting that church, Jennifer really felt like God was calling her there. So when she returned home, she fasted and prayed for a week, and was fully sure that God would have her move there. She told me about it and I was really excited for her. I could see that God had really done a lot in her and that she came back with a fire inside her. So we planned a trip the next weekend to go and scout out apartments for her, and also to go to Schlitterbahn, which I desperately wanted to do before the end of summer. So we planned the weekend and God definitely worked out all the details.

My First Trip

Friday evening, when Jennifer and I both got off work, we loaded up in my car and I drove us to San Antonio. We had reserved a room at the Days Inn by the ATNT Center. Now that process was comical! We were going for affordable but we were definitely opposed to a bugs, dingy rooms, non-draining tubs, etc. Well, of course we just asked the Lord to lead us in our decision, but when we got there, I was so amazed. I had actually stayed there in the Fall of ‘06 with the Pratts on a trip to see Benny Hinn and so not only was I familiar with it, but I felt comfortable there. There are many details, but suffice it to say God gave us favor and is so worthy of praise!! Anyway, the next morning, we scouted out some apartments that Jennifer had researched, including one that Adam’s parents lived in when they first moved to San Antonio called Silver Rock. We saved that one for last. Well, in the end, Jennifer really felt like Silver Rock was the one, and she would just trust God for an affordable price. Now Silver Rock is super nice, and she looked into only the smallest one bedroom, and our new friend Ruby actually showed us a model of it. (When I say our new friend I am actually giving you clues to the details in which God faithfully called Jennifer too, and giving us even more cause to praise Him!!) Across from Silver Rock, we noticed a Kids R Kids, and because I have worked there before, I joked, “You know, if God called me here, I could work there.”

We had arranged to meet Adam’s parents for lunch before we headed off to Schlitterbahn, but it looked like we might not get to see them because they were busy with a funeral that weekend. Now Jennifer had come back raving about Pastor and Momma Sanchez, which we affectionately call her, and how they were so Godly and genuine, and so of course I couldn’t wait to meet them. But we were following God and we knew that whatever happened would be what He willed. So when we left Silver Rock, we called them to see if it would happen, and they told us to get lunch, and then we could come see them for a little bit.

My heart is positively swelling as I recall the amazing details of that trip. We drove to a lively intersection to find lunch. After much deliberation, I decided that I just didn’t have peace about this Mexican place we were considering, so we settled on this place called Buffalo’s. We were thankful that Jennifer could charge and use her laptop while we were there so we could get directions from there to Schlitterbahn. But I just remember sitting in that booth and feeling kind of discuraged. I was trying so hard to follow God’s leading and it had taken so long to choose lunch. I was just unsure that we had made the right decision… until Jennifer looked up on the wall in the booth where we were sitting. This is part of the reason I could encourage her in her calling. God was in every detail. But now I know that they were details for my calling too. On the wall, in the very booth where we sat, were vintage Wells Fargo photos. This is significant because Jennifer was working at Wells Fargo and was seeking to transfer internally to San Antonio. Completely amazed, we laughed and took pictures of the pictures, praised God, and enjoyed our lunch.

We headed from there to the Pastor’s house, where I was sooo priviledged to meet them and visit with them for about an hour. I was delighted to find that they were everything Jennifer had said and more. They were truly precious. I know they asked me about me, and I told them a little bit, but mostly I remember telling them about the significance of the trip. I told them how God let me feel soo familiar with the area, as if I had been there before. I’m telling you it was so familiar to me. I told them how strongly I knew that God ordained out trip, and that I knew I was SUPPOSED to go on that trip with Jennifer. And trust me, I was so delighted and honored to be a part of her obedience to her calling. Wow. We prayed, I’m sure, and we were off to Schlitterbahn, where we had SO much fun and my favorite parts are when I made Jennifer laugh. We drove back Saturday night, and I did not get to attend La Trinidad.

Back In Spring

Monday. Jennifer and I were both off work because we had planned still be out of town. We kind of just chilled at home that day. What I was feeling, though, I did not understand. I definitely came back saying “I wish God was calling me to San Antonio!” God had done so much in my heart, and I just chalked it up to  several things. I believed that God had put my heart into agreement with what He was doing in San Antonio, with what He was calling Jennifer there for, and with what the pastors were praying for. Mid-afternoon Monday, my heart became so heavy for the church, La Trinidad, that I had to kneel beside my bed. I didn’t have any words, although I might have prayed, I can’t recall. What I’ll never forget though is that as I knelt there, I started trying to picture the church in my head. Now I had seen the pictures of Jennifer and the other ladies on stage singing during their first trip, but I was kneeling there trying to picture what the rest of the church looked like. And I really remember wondering if I was making myself feel that way, if I was trying to feel something. Well, after a little while, I went downstairs where Jennifer was on her laptop and was stunned to discover that she had looked up the church on Yahoomaps, and was literally looking at the building!!! I sat down and I started tearing up. I couldn’t believe it. She had no idea that it was so strongly on my heart. But I felt so silly because I couldn’t fully understand why HER calling was so strong on my heart. So as people found out that she was moving, they would ask me if I was. My reply was always “I know that God has me here, but if He calls me to San Antonio, I’ll be there in a heartbeat!”

Preparations

Through the months that Jennifer prepared to move, we really only joked hopefully about me being called there 2-3 times. We attempted to plan some evangelism ideas for her, and I just remember wishing that I could do it with her, but I wasn’t and I was just gonna be okay with that. I also did my best to teach Jennifer how to play the piano, mostly chords, and she learned well. She made lists of songs she would want to use during worship at La Trinidad, and she practiced on my piano. I loved to hear her play and sing!

The Saturday that Jennifer found out she got the job in San Antonio, I was at my stepmom’s graduation. I still have the text saved in my phone. She texted me, “I got the job” and when I asked her when was supposed to start, she said, “Sept 28.” Oh I remember jumping up and down and screaming. I was happy for her, and not sad for myself, but I can’t explain the emotion I felt. It was kind of like praise to the Lord, with the agreement of the accomplishment of His will, and just a hint of my own feeling. I told my whole family, and of course like everyone else, they asked if I was moving too. I said no, and I’ll never forget my dad said, “Well, you can do your schooling out of anywhere.” I think I make the comment, “Well, there’s also day cares in San Antonio.” But I just shrugged it off because I knew God had not called me. That day everything kind of accelerated. We knew the day would come for her to move, but on that day, it gained a finality. It was officially happening.

The week before the move, we tried to get things going. We tried to get ourselves packed, but it was just slow going. I remember it was probably Thursday night, and Jennifer and I had a happy conversation. As I mentioned before, we only talked hopefully of me going to San Antonio a few times. We were talking, and I said, “Well, you never know. In a few months, I might be coming down and getting a 1 bedroom apartment close to yours” and smiled. She quickly replied, “I don’t think so! We’ll be getting a 2 bedroom apartment!” Oh I was so happy to hear that! I was like “Wow. If you would be roommates with me, and we would seperate, and you would consider rooming with me again, that means I have ARRIVED! I am the BOMB!!!”

I was really happy, but at that point it was just talk. The night before, during youth service, I really felt the Lord confirming through Bro Aaron’s alter call to the youth, that God had me here and that this was where I was supposed to remain. And there were also other factors that caused me to believe I was not being called to San Antonio. Looking back, I am so thankful for that. God is so good to me, that in the middle of this transition, like Ps 139, He hemmed me in, behind and before. In His faithfulness, He said, “Robin this is your step. You’re not stepping forward yet… Ok now. You’re going to San Antonio. Step!”

As people found out that Jennifer was moving, I was asked very frequently what I was going to do. When I first found out that Jennifer had gotten her job, I was very opposed to anyone telling me what I should do. I was so determined that God was going to tell me where I was going before my family found out and started pressuring me to move back home. I was so determined I would only do that if God told me to, only if I was for sure that was what He wanted for me. While that thinking was right, my heart wasn’t and over that weekend, God really dealt with me about it and changed my heart. Very quickly God gave me peace about moving back in with my mom and grandma. And I was humbly thankful that I would be moving into a house in Spring, instead of our old trailer off of Gulf Bank, and that there was a room for me. What’s amazing to me is my very own statement at leading up to Jennifer’s move. More people would ask me if I was moving home, and with peace I would reply, “Well the Lord isn’t necessarily leading me home, but because He’s not leading me anywhere else, I know that’s where I am supposed to go.” Wow. And now I know why. Now He is leading me somewhere else.

Friday night Ursula and Adam threw a surprise going away party for Jennifer. What was significant about that night besides my emotions, was really not all that serious. There was a goodbye card floating around, and when it came my turn to sign it, I had to think for a while. I mean, what could I write that I had not already actually said to Jennifer a million times. So trying to be cute, I wrote, “My heart is in San Antonio.” I guess I meant that she was a part of my heart, and she would be there. Looking back, I’m just amazed that I didn’t yet recognize neither could I have imagined what God was doing inside of me.

Jennifer’s Move; My Second Trip

The day of the move came, and we finished packing, and loaded Jennifer up, and a group of us took her to San Antonio. As we neared our destination, the question was asked, “Are we there yet?” Upon seeing where we were, I said, “Actually, yeah, depending on traffic, we should be there between 5-10 minutes.” I was so surprised by Adam’s reaction. He goes, “Wow, Robin.” And (still not knowing why I had felt this way) I replied, “You don’t understand. San Antonio is important to me. When Jennifer and I came down her, I drove, and God let me feel like I knew where I was going and it was so familiar to me!” We got to the house and greeted Adam’s parents, and my emotions were already strong. At the time I thought it was just for Jennifer, because I was just going to miss her. But I definitely felt a love for the Pastors, and I felt the calling, but it was Jennifer’s. I knew God was up to alot. We unloaded Jennifer’s stuff, ate a delicious lunch prepared by Momma Sanchez, and relaxed until time for worship practice.

I was so excited because I knew that since I was there I would get the opportunity to either play and sing, or just sing, for the worship service Sunday Morning. Honestly, Jennifer had talked me up so much to Momma Sanchez, who had been playing the piano up to that point, and I knew that I was pretty inadequate. Leading up to practice, I was definitely asking God to do one of two things. First, either let them realize that I cannot play, and ask me to just sing. Or second, play through me, because I really do want to do this and I always have; let me play excellently for the sake of Your Name. At the start of practice, we prayed, and I guess I fully put my trust in the Lord. I got on that keyboard and just started practicing. Although I was a nervous wreck the whole time, and I knew I was pretty amateur, the Lord helped me, and Zack really helped me with the technicalities, and I really enjoyed myself. When we left practice to go eat, all I knew is that I still wanted to be playing that keyboard. I had experienced progress, and I knew that the Lord would cause it to go well.

Sunday Morning before we headed off to the church, we formed a circle around Jennifer and prayed for her. I wasn’t the only one in tears, but I just knew that God had soo much in store. After the prayer I’ll never forget that Adam came and hugged me and told me, “Thank you for being Jennifer’s friend and for always being there for her.” Now I think he had told me that on another occasion, and that meant so much to me, but I tell Jennifer that no one has to tell me that. Like I said before, I never imagined I would grow so close to her, and being close to her is a treasure. But it was what Adam said next that shook me. He said, “You’re always welcome here.” That stuck me so hard, I needed to find a place to just be with Jesus. So I walked to the formal dining room, sat down, and put my head in my hands. I was so overwhelmed with emotion, but not knowing exactly why. After a few moments, Adam came up behind me and hugged me again. I just said, “Oh Adam.” Somehow I already knew something was happening. I was so strangely feeling there, but not.

My Call to San Antonio

Worship that Sunday morning was incredible. We sang in English and in Spanish. During Healer, 4-5 people came to the alter to pray and seek God, kneeling down right in front of the keyboard. God was really moving. I played Magnify Jesus, which I definitely didn’t think I could play. During Look What the Lord has Done, I thought I was gonna come up off that keyboard. I was laughing at myself, and everyone was laughing at me later because during that song I was playing one-handed, with my left hand raised up in the air. I know I played wrong chords. I know I played the right chords at the wrong time, but God used me!! It was amazing. Now when I worship, I am all over the place. I have this crazy energy and I cannot be still. I was thinking about how how cool it is when I play the keyboard, I am putting all that energy to use to express myself through those keys, and I know my praise is communicated.

But oh the message from that morning. I cried the whole time. La Trinidad is a bilingual church, and so they speak, sing, read, and preach in English and Spanish. The amazing thing is that most of the Spanish I understood. When they read in Spanish, I followed along in English. I immensely enjoyed singing in Spanish. When they spoke in Spanish, I waited patiently, praying that they would switch back to English. When the pastor preached in Spanish, I understood the majority of it because I had a context, and because He would switch back and forth, often translating. And so I cried.

You see you have to know some things about me.

When I was 10, my mom got me a keyboard for Christmas. I took only 1 month of piano lessons at 15, and everything I know is because the Lord taught me. So I learned to play chords, and recently felt like He was giving me the ability to play a little more elequently. I have loved to sing since I was little, and over the years God had taught me to sing parts. At 11, I remember picking up the tenor part, becoming able to sing that with any song. At age 15, I picked up the harmony part, also able to sing that with any song, even upon the first hearing of it. I would frequently sing for fun with my mom, and would give her a hard time because she would switch from melody to harmony to tenor and then back to harmony or whatever. My favorite thing was to get someone like my aunt Cathy to start out a song, tell my mom to pick a part, and I would sing whatever part was left over. I very quickly became fanatically in love with 3-part harmony. From 11-15, I sang specials pretty often, and looking back, I am humble and grateful for how the Lord anointed me with the ability to minister. The opportunities to sing from that point on were fewer and definitely more precious. What always struck me was my ability to sing with others without having to think too much about it. So here I find myself at La Trinidad, playing the keyboard, and doing so without having to think twice about what I am singing with Jennifer.

Also, in the 11th grade, I took a field trip with my Child Development Class to an elementary school where I was placed to observe a bilingual class. I enjoyed it so much, but I was really sad because the kids were so cute, but I could not communicate with them. It was then I decided: I have to learn Spanish. One summer in college, I had this amazing, Godly roommate who did nothing but encourage me. She was such a gift from the Lord. I would play my keyboard for her and sing, and she would enjoy it. We would sing together, but often we would lay on our beds and she would sing to me in Spanish. Years before, I had bought a Spanish worship cd and loved it. I just loved the fact that I could worship the Lord in Spanish, and even though I did not understand it, He did. So I loved to hear her sing in Spanish. In fact, one day she told me she was going to ask her pastor if I could come sing on their worship team. I was estatic. I later was stunned to learn that she, in fact, was the worship leader, and even though it never worked out, it meant everything to me. 

My very first semester in college, I started attending the church where Lauren was already attending. My first Wednesday night going to their youth service is one that I’ll never forget. This guy named Jonathan Flores was the worship leader. As he played the keyboard and sang, I cried and cried. It was the anointing, it was my passion for worship, it was so many things, even now I can’t tell you. I just cried. You see, there have been so many moments like that in my life. Where I assume because of the call on my life, to ministry, to worship, I have reacted with unexplainable emotion to situations of people singing, playing, practicing, and even to recordings. But they have all, without exception, been accompanied by this knowledge of one of two things. Either they were completely out of my reach, not even an opportunity to me, or the door was closed, in my face at times. I have struggled countless times with why God would call me, but then always tell me no. Each time, I had to just let go and trust Him, matter how hard it was. Until San Antonio.

As I was sitting there during that sermon, crying, crying, I was remembering all these things and more, I was remembering every event, thought, and emotion that led up to that point. I was sitting there feeling something and just kept thinking, God if you call me here, my whole life will make sense. It wasn’t that I was asking Him to call me there, it was that I knew that had to be what was happening. The message was incredible. The Lord told Moses to speak to the rock and God would provide water for Israel. In his disobedience, Moses struck the rock, but he couldn’t have known that some 4,000 years later, Jesus would become the rock that was smitten for our sins. Pastor Sanchez then talked about how rocks are often memorials. I would love to share the details of the message later, but for now I’ll skip to the part where He offered rocks of memorial to those who felt like God was really moving in their lives. He said we may forget, but the rock never forgets. God ever forgets. The rock was so you would never forget: why you were here, where God is taking you, what He has done, what He is going to do… And I’ll tell you the rock that I chose out of that bag, I did not let go of until after lunch!

I went and got a rock, as much in tears as everyone else, came back and knelt at my seat. As I prayed I kept saying, “God I will learn to trust you!” over and over, because I felt like I still didn’t know what everything meant. And as I started hoping that He could really be calling me there to La Trinidad, I was asking over and over, “Why not?!” “All I know is that if you call me here, so much will make sense! And why couldn’t this be in your plan for my life?!” The service was closed, and as I was getting my music off the keyboard stand, people started coming up to me and thanking me for coming and playing. And I didn’t even know how to communicate to them that it was so much more a blessing for me. So I just said “Thank you” and “Oh Praise the Lord!” One lady asked me if I was the one who was staying, and I smiled happily, and said, “No ma’am, that’s Jennifer.”

Next, I met Liz. Liz, like our guitar player Josh, attends LABI. So Liz comes up and introduces herself to me, and I immediately feel like she is a friend. We talked and she asked me, pretty hopefully, “So are you coming?” And I said, “Well, I am definitely coming back in two weeks to visit Jennifer, but … just pray for me. I mean, I really feel like God is doing something but I’m just not sure yet.” We agreed that God was doing something, she said she would keep me in her prayers, and I agreed to keep her posted. In a short while I was standing in the front alter area with Ursula, and we were whispering. I was pretty much confessing my hopes for what God was doing in me, and telling her some of the reasons I really felt that surely He was calling me to San Antonio. I couldn’t stop crying and laughing and jumping up and down. Unbeknownst to me, Liz had gone over to Jennifer and told her, “So, you’re roommate is coming?” And Jennifer said, “I don’t think so.” And Liz said something like, “Well, she just told me that something was going on, and you can look at her and tell that God is doing something really special in her.” Anyway, their conversation was something similar to that. Well, next thing I know, I’m standing there talking real ’secretly’ to Ursula and I hear Jennifer shout from the other side of the front alter area, “You’re coming!?!?” And she runs and grabs me in this bear hug. As soon as she grabs me, the Holy Spirit does too. Because it wasn’t only that I was happy that she was happy and that I got a big hug from her, but I felt like it was definitely confirmation. So as she is still hugging me, I feel the Holy Spirit so strong that I’m going to fall, but she is holding me up. As soon as she lets go, I fall down violently to the floor. She laughs and says, “I didn’t want you to fall.” And I reply, “Don’t worry, it was the Holy Spirit.” Yeah, so that was definitely a defining moment, not in the call, but in my knowing the call.

The Call Becomes SURE!

I held my rock all during lunch and sat there awaiting my food, which I wasn’t even sure I would be able to eat, writing, writing, writing. I wrote all the reasons I knew God was calling me to San Antonio. I wrote all the random pieces of my life that came together to form the picture of San Antonio. Iwrote: “I feel so alive and on fire here… my passion for worship… my insane bond with Jen… according to Jen ‘a lot of compliments on my piano playing’ … Momma Sanchez wanting to play like me… my heart loving it here…” And I was sure He was calling me. I had anticipated that it would be hard for me to leave Jennifer in San Antonio, but it wasn’t. I was so happy. We prayed before we pulled out, and somehow I hinted something to Momma Sanchez, because she asked me, ”Oh, do you want us to pray?” And I said, “YES!!” And she replied, “Cause you know what happens when we pray…” And I said, “Yes ma’am I do. Please pray.” 

We made it to North Central by about 6:10. I found a seat and began worshipping. I was so full, and I surprisingly found myself so free to worship expressively, which I often feel so conflicted about, but don’t know if I’ll ever understand why. I sat there during the sermon, and wrote to the Lord. I wrote that everything felt so different. Since we had left San Antonio, I couldn’t go 5 seconds without remembering it and remembering the feeling I felt there. It had been such a strong, intense emotion, to laugh, cry, shake, scream, and dance, all at the same time. I looked up above me where the “Everyone Matters” sign hangs, and read, “You can make a difference.” And I just shook my head in amazement.

Breaking The News

It was wierd when I got home because the apartment smelled like it had when me and Jen had first moved in. I quickly decided I was not staying the night there because it was not home anymore. Jennifer was not there, and I knew that if it hadn’t been for Jennifer being my roommate, I would not have ever lived there. I sat on the floor for a while, crying, not in sadness, but praying for Jennifer,  and then I got to talk to her for a little while. Afterwards I called my mom since I knew she’d want to hear from me. My plans were to move all my stuff out of the apartment Monday, and clean, since I had to turn in the keys by 5pm. On the phone with her, I was definitely in a reserved mood. She was trying to help me decide what to do, but I knew she wouldn’t understand my mood until I told her about San Antonio. So I said, “Mom I don’t know how to tell you.” She said, “Just tell me.” I took a deep breath and said, “I think God is calling me to San Antonio.” She was quiet for a few seconds, and I thought, OH NO I TOLD HER AT THE WRONG TIME. I DIDNT PRAY ENOUGH BEFORE I TOLD HER… But her reaction definitely surprised me. It was what pretty much sealed the deal for me. She approved. Her comments included: “Robin, I’m gonna tell you what I told you when you first wanted to get an apartment with Jennifer: You’re 26 years old. Get out!” “I think you should go. All you’re doing at this church is babysitting.” (Now I don’t necessarily agree with her logic as I love every ministry I am involved in and fully believe it all counts)”I have always wanted you to make something of your life.” “This is what you’ve wanted your whole life.” “As long as you do your schooling…” At that point I knew, and I was so happy. I called Jennifer back and told her what my mom said. Jennifer said, “Well, I would have told you you were moving too fast but I am so proud of you for telling your mom!” And all of my family is just as happy for me. What I told Jennifer is what I KNOW. It would seem that I am moving fast, but when I consider that God has been preparing me since our first trip, I’m not. The proper response was for me to come back, fast and pray, and ACT, not wait.

Monday morning, knowing that it was no longer a question of IF, but rather a question of WHEN, I spent some time with my Aunt Cathy, telling her all about it, and she helped me determine when. The 17th of October. I began feeling strongly about that. It was about 2 and 1/2 weeks, and all the boys would come, with my mom and aunt Cathy to help me move, they would all stay the night and come to La Trinidad before driving back to Houston. Crazy enough, while I was on facebook Monday, a friend of Jennifer’s that I had friend-accepted, posted the following status, literally as I was watching the screen: ** “Where are your gifts/talents most needed?… Seek God for His instruction (to hear clearly His voice) regarding these places. As you proceed to find work in these places, have faith that the God has given you peace regarding these issues will s…urely open the doors which proceed from your acts in faith” – NuNature >>> Thank You God for this insight!!! **Tuesday, I gave my notice at work, and I felt like my director’s reaction was confirmation because she said,” Well, if it ever doesn’t work out, give me a call.” I thought wow, that’s God! Wednesday night, I began telling people. God had already confirmed so many things, but there was one thing that I was wondering about in the back of my head. For school, I have to observe in an elementary classroom, and God had set that up for here. I had already momentarily wondered, how I was going to do that in SA, but then filed it away. So I found out Wednesday night that God had closed that door. I was not going to be able to do that like I had planned. And I marveled at God, even closing the small doors, as He kept pointing my attention to this HUGE OPEN DOOR that was remaining open. Even when I half-expected to look up and find it closed, still swung wide open. And so I am so confident that God will continue swinging opening every door that stands between me and San Antonio.

When I told Jennifer my plans of coming on the 17th, she began looking into a 2 bedroom at Silver Rock. We talked about the logistics and made the appropriate decisions. On her day off, she went and talked to them let them know that we would be wanting to move in on the 17th. She immediately reported back to me that the apartment would not be available until the 20th, which is a Tuesday. I told her we’d have to push it back until the 24th, but we decided to just ask them agan if they could get it ready since we had made plans already. And I told her I really felt like it should be the 17th, I just wasn’t feeling the 24th, but that God would open one door or the other. She decided to go right back and ask them. She called me back in amazement saying that in almost mid-sentence, they went from “No, I’m sorry we just can’t make it available that fast,” to “Oh! You want it available for move-in on the 17th? Oh yeah sure absolutely! We can do that! No problem.”

Moving Forward From Here

So I am currently waiting to hear back from the Kids R Kids across from Silver Rock, where they are not hiring, that a position has opened up, and that they want me. I feel the burden of responsibility, but I am also seeking to only act in faith, because I do not feel the ok to look for other jobs. In fact, I have, and I just know that I am supposed to wait. I hope not long, but I feel like Elijah, who told Ahab that it was going to rain, and sent his servant back 7 times to look for a cloud. I’m just waiting for the cloud to appear. Or for God to lead in some other way. But I trust Him. I know that this is Him, and He will throw open every door. And I will be obedient to whatever He says. I will.

I am so ridiculously excited. I know this is God and I know that He has called me. So I will be playing the keyboard and singing for the worship services, and I will also be working with Jennifer and other volunteers to do evangelism. Jennifer and I have already recognized what a great team we make. As the church grows, and children start coming, I know I will be involved with the beginnings of a children’s ministry, or at the very least, a children’s bible study on Wednesday night. Honestly, from the very beginning, I have sensed that God is doing something so BIG at that church, that there is no limit to the possibilities of what He is going to do. And I all I know is that the thought of it still makes me tear up, as does talking about it. My heart could not be any more grateful, although I know it will be, and I could not be any more undeserving, although I know I am.

And this is only the beginning!!

To come back here and reread my last post, I am in shocking awe. To think that I wrote, “my life doesn’t make sense” is amazing in the light of the thousand plus times I declared on Sunday, “Everything makes sense!” I want so bad to post the whole story. There is so much. Oh God, I want to cry. I trust You above all, I do. I am so overwhelmed by the gravity of what is taking place. I am not making it up. I am not a drama queen. I want to document every detail because I don’t want to forget. But somehow I never will. I want You to receive glory for every single detail. I want to declare how faithful You are, and You are making a display of Yourself in the details of my life. I am taken back. I want to scream. I am shaking from it all and I care not whether that is good or bad. This is real.

I feel safe here but I don’t want to feel safe. I know that I have always wanted to learn spanish. And now I wonder if when I find myself surrounded by a language I do not understand I will feel this sinking feeling like I am in way over my head. But I don’t care. That is where I want to be. Somehow, just somehow, I know that. I cannot explain the things that I am feeling. I know my family is here but I cannot say how I know that my heart is there. I find myself crying, and I know not whether it is an emotion from the Lord or one from my own unsurety. I am having thoughts now that I have not had before. But this thing is set in motion. It is being done and I know that it is the Lord.  I sit here listening to “Alaba” by Ricardo Rodriguez. And I am moved. I mean, I am already there.

I wish I had words. I wish with all that I am I could sit here and write intelligibly about all the is going on feverishly inside of me. I want the words to say how much this means to me. I want God to write upon my forehead the words SAN ANTONIO, so that everyone would know. They would just know that it’s true. So that they would know as inexplainably as I know that I belong there. And that no matter the trials that come, God created me for this. So that they would believe that my heart is true and they could see how I am a perfect fit. The doubts come, but I want to block everything out, because I know. As much as I will myself to think rationally, to consider contrary reason, I cannot. I know not how God made this call so strong in a matter of 4 days, but He did. I can think of nothing but how it causes my whole life to make sense. Because I trust Him, it is so hard for me to think of the negative side. I am by no means thinking that there will not be hardships and struggles and bad days, but I trust my God with all my heart. I am following a Perfect Leader and He is leading me. As carefully as I am watching my steps, I know He is. He will not let me stray; He never slumbers and He never sleeps. 

I love Him. I am so overwhelmed by this call. I am so grateful that He would love me so much. I want to be found faithful. I want to prepare. It will not be easy, but it will be so blessed. I know that there is much to do and I have so much growing to, but Oh! my God, this is so amazing. I am definitely unworthy. But Oh! God I have asked for this. I have longed, I have cried. I have struggled so hard to not be bitter and angry because of all those doors closed in my face. Oh how they hurt. But this one, this one, is open. It’s open!! And I just can’t stop myself from running toward it. I think to myself that I should stop, but look it’s still open. I am not worried that it will close. But all I can do is cry because it is open. And what is behind it I am beginning to see. I never expected it to be this door. I never could have guessed. I can’t even imagine what You have in store for me. But this door is more beautiful, more treasured than any other. Even though I’m not sure exactly why. And look, I fit, in every crevice, I fit. I would have shrugged off all those details from the forgotten parts of my life. But it’s like Pastor Sanchez preached, we may forget, but God never forgets.

Use me God! It’s so not about me. But make my life count for You. What I love is that I felt there like my light counted. Let me burn for you. I want You to use what You have invested and cultivated in me all these years. And oh God, this family. Oh how you love me. Oh how you must love me to open this door for me. I didn’t expect this but oh wow.

When I want to feel warned that it is just emotion, I know there is just too much. I keep saying that the truth is, it doesn’t matter if you think you are an amateur at following God, you KNOW when he says no. I just do not know how to check myself without feeling like doubt is creeping in. How do you question what you just KNOW? I sound so smug, so overconfident to myself, but I cannot sound another way. There is no guessing here. There is no hoping. There is no wishing. There is no asking. Instead, there is surety. There is knowing. There is thanking. And there is receiving.

And so I just wonder if this whirlwind of emotion will continue right up to the move. Not that it is bad. I am simply moved by this call to my very core. By nature I am so emotional. I think of my friends Cara and Jeff who God called to Fort Worth, God bless them. And I just think, if I do not know this, I do not know anything!!! Teach me Lord, prepare me, equip me. I fully trust in You. I long for the fullness that You are, the fullness that You can be in me. You are simply everything. So convince me Lord, convince the world. My your name, and your heart for San Antonio be written on my forehead and imprinted on my heart. I love you… forever.

How far can I possibly run from God in the guise of being an adult and doing things my own way? How long can what might be again push me to what already has been? How long will my fears of being out of control push me to repeated bad decisions? How long will I foolishly lollygag on the battlefield without any armor on and fall wounded in surprise when I am targeted? How long will I do it my way, convinced that I am doing things His way? How long will I be happy prepared to make certain decisions, only to change my mind in the moment of choice? When will I recognize the harm I am doing to myself? When will I realize that I am not where I am supposed to be? Ho much longer will I let the waves of do-to-do-la-la-la-la carry me deep into the ocean of apathy. How long before I get enough air to cry out to be rescued? How long will I be happy in this fog of unclear thinking? How long will my defining mood be numb because I cannot figure myself out? How long will I sit here in helplessness, wishing I was someone else, instead of making my life count? How is it easier to want everyone else’s life than to make the choices that would cause me to love mine?

How long has it been anyway? I am 26 and I just make all the wrong decisions. Can I remember the last time I prayed, or read my Bible? Can I remember the last time I really gave 100% of my life to the Lord or my heart to the ministry? I hate this feeling that I am so far away. My hope is in Christ’s power to bring me back to Him, but what of this m.o. to only run away again? How is it that I am running away and pushing Him away and distancing myself from Him, but not realizing it until this moment, when all I can see is the fog, and all I can do is hope He still wants me.

But I see Him. Here, in the depths of my need, I finally see Him. I see His power. I see the power of His resurrection. I see the hope to which I was called. I hear that He is mighty to save and I know He did not author a salvation that He couldn’t save me by. I see the tenderness in His eyes, and I know He understands my weakness. He is not hard. He is not mad at me. He knows that I am broken, that I regret my failure. He knows that my desires for Him are a result of the fellowship His call has destined me for. His heart is not about to give up on me. His heart is strong to sustain me. His Holy Spirit is able to be my helper. Jesus, my Jesus. I want to run to Him. I know He wants that to. I have to ignore the shadows of the mountains that rise up between us. If I would run, I would realize there is nothing that can seperate me. Wash my eyes, Jesus, so I can truly see and cleanse my heart so I can fully believe. You are beautiful, and I am only beautiful in how well I reflect you. Give me the gift of being able to block out the shadows. I will die if I cannot have you; if i cannot hold you.

My life doesn’t make sense most of the time. And I just need You. My failures bring so much disorientation to my heart. The more I fail, the more detached I feel from the life I want to live before You. Cleanse me of my failures. Sometimes I wonder why I am the only one who cannot get it together. I know I have very high standards for myself but obviously they are not high enough. I define endurance as not giving up even though I feel like I am a complete failure. But not to keep on failing, to keep on striving towards the Mark. By the time I get to the bottom of the pit and realize I am in darkness, I question why I did not sense that I was sinking, and why I could not see the light diminishing. But Lord, these are the shadows of the mountains. Shadows, all around me, when I just want to see you.

You will be my Strength. You will be my Song. You will be my Light all the whole night long.                                      Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb. Worthy is the Lamb.                                                              And though I walk through the valley, it’s only a shadow. It’s only a shadow.                                                                            And though my body may perish, it’s only a shadow. It’s only a shadow.                                                                                           It’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow, it’s only a shadow.

There’s something bigger going on. There’s Someone bigger than me. He’s holy. Holy. There’s something bigger going on. There’s Someone bigger than me…

At promptly 6:30, I am going to church. Youth tonight consists of The Quest, which is an extravagant scavenger hunt, that I hope will prove to be great fun and a lot of laughs. Some friends are talking about going tonight after ten to see the new Madea movie and I really want to go, but I’m definitely conflicted. I just heard an ad for it on the gospel radion station and was like, you gotta be kidding me!! Madea actually makes me really angry. And that’s the honest truth. How can a man who says He’s a Christian, play a woman who cusses and acts pervertedly and unGodly?

That’s my question. I mean, why do we laugh at sin? Why? What makes it funny? In my own heart I examine myself. If I do not agree with it, I will not watch it. If I would not do it or watch someone else do it, I am certainly not going to entertain myself with it. If it does not please Jesus, it does not please me. Is this harsh? I would say the spirit of Jezebel is the spirit that permits sin, and it is also the spirit that begins to harrassingly accuse those who refuse to permit sin. Is this radical? Shouldn’t we be radical? Focused abandonment right? I don’t know, but the more  express my thoughts on it, the more I think I might have to decline the invitation until someone I trust reccommends it to me.

Random convictions. Where did that come from?

I praise God to say I am completely free from what I was struggling with 2 days ago. The devil is such a LIAR. To God be all the glory for being SO faithful and SO good. I am thankful that He indeed knows what is going on and He consequently is able to answer prayers I am not even capable of praying! “‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus!” You can never trust Him too much because He never fails!!

Wow, it’s been almost 2 years. I’ve been wanting to write, but just haven’t had the time. Until now. I write in hope that I can pray. I write in hope that the mess inside of me will become sensible thoughts, concerns, and faith.

I want to cry but the tears won’t come. I’m trying to be strong. I write so that maybe I won’t have to cry. Or maybe writing it out will let the tears come. It’s so funny to me that God can take me so far, and I can know I am following His perfect leadership, and then all of a sudden, everything is shaky. And instead of being full of life and joy and beaming with gratefulness, I want to retreat so far into the corner. I want to give up. The depths of my brokenness surpasses my knowledge. But it’s a brokenness filled with pain and I don’t have any reason to feel it. God has given me so much, He has been so present in these days. His hand has moved so much for me. He has opened door after door. And so I tell myself that the enemy is attacking and I am trying to just hang on. Hang on for dear life. There’s a song that goes, “If you can use anything Lord,you can use me…” And today I found my heart crying out, “If I can do anything Lord I can trust you!!!”

I feel so many things that don’t make any sense to me. I feel so alone. But I know He is with me. Not only did He say it, but this pain compares not to what it would be like if He had left me. I would die.

Israel and New Breed has this AMAZING song called Alpha and Omega that I am listening to right now. My roommate encouraged me recently with something that I am trying to receive right now. He is my beginning and He is my end and whatever happens in the middle doesn’t really matter. I know my God is real, and I struggle with not finding Him. Ok, so I am looking for filet mignon and I am finding taco meat. What I mean is that I have encountered Him, in unspeakably amazing ways, and I need Him tangibly. The thing is, I KNOW He is available to me; there is no limit to how He is willing to encounter me. And so I want to learn so much: to cling to the knowledge of Him when He is calling me to pursuit and I have not the strength or the capability.

What I am going through begs a question though. What happens when the time comes that, as Jesus said, brother begins to betray brother, and friend betrays friend, mother turns against daughter, and son against father? What happens when the ones that I loved and was sure loved me, begins to betray me because of the cause of Christ? How will I deal with that pain? Will I lose hope and want to cry? How will I be strong? Will the world that seems to be full of light suddenly turn to darkness? I know that the time of Jesus’ coming will be at the very darkest hour of history, but what about the light in me? Will it be shining bright enough to sustain me? Will I have enough oil? Ok, so it begs a lot of questions.

“This pasta tastes like raw dough.” Chris
“Hmm.” the group around him
“Kinda good!” Chris

“We should go karaoking!” Jessy
“Who’s oki and why would you ever carry him?” Chris

“Come on bird!” Chris to me
“Don’t say bird to me!” me
“What’s the word, bird?!” Chris
“Are you calling her bird because her name is Robin?” Jessy
“Yes” Chris
“Oh. Ok.” Jessy

“It is pretty profound!” Chris
“Well, you’re not a pro, so how did you find it?” Jessy

“I got this ring because it’s pink.” me
“If the devil was pink, would you marry him!?” Jessy

“You’re licking in Chris’s car.” Jessy
“I was pretending I was a dog…or a cat… or a bear.” Ashley (eating ice cream)
“You should pretend you can’t talk.” Jessy

“My whole life is on Robin’ facebook!” Chris

I keep wanting to throw myself into something, anything, that matters. There is so much I want to do. And even though I am doing a lot, sometimes I feel like I am doing nothing.

Thinking about everything I am involved in, I think it is just my job that makes me feel this way. I know God is using me, even if the results are slow to be seen.

I want to hold babies that need love. I want to love little children. I want to mentor young people, and pour into them all that God has ministered to me. I want to pray and see change; to pray and see God come in glory and power and make the whole world see Him and love Him passionately. I want to bring the anointing of God to people in worship. I want to love people, to encourage them, and pray for them, and lift up hearts. I want people to encounter the love of Jesus and the power of the Spirit in me. I want to chase HARD after God every moment of ever day until I truly KNOW Him. I want to carry His life to the spiritually suffering and dying. And I want everything I do to be important, with eternal significance.

But what a fool I am to think that what I am unwilling, or ‘unable’, to do now, I will be willing to do just because my circumstances change. What a fool I am to take any moment for granted; every single thing I do has eternal significance, but that is disturbing rather than comforting, because my daily choices do not reflect the knowledge of that fact. What a fool I am to think that just because my heart is sincere, wanting God to receive glory, my flesh is not hiding in the deep places wanting credit and fame.

A little of what I want to do, I am doing now. Why does it feel like nothing? What I am doing DOES matter. So why do I believe the lies of the enemy?

I remember being deeply affected by something Jason Upton said. On one of his songs, he talked about the error of building our personal kingdoms, when we should live only to build God’s kingdom. This is what Jesus taught. To do ‘everything’ in secret. Because I am not building my kingdom. I died and now my life is hidden with God in Christ. My life belongs to Him and Christ lives in me. In building His kingdom, I will not receive credit until the very end, which I will then give to Jesus. The crowns we receive, we will place at His feet because we owe all that we are, and all that we will ever be to Him.

This is hard even in the least legalistic communities: I find myself so fired with passion, I want to shoot off everything I am doing and everything I want to do, because I want you to know that I love Him. In this passion, I am not building my kingdom. I have a heart right with God and I really am doing it to build His kingdom. But somehow, it becomes about my contribution to His kingdom, and thereby becomes my kingdom. It’s too easy to make it about me when I never wanted it to be about me.

This often comes about in the following manner: God, I don’t see this happening, so I have to do it. You want it done, so let me do it. What can I do God? When can I do it? How can I do it? Why aren’t you letting me do it, God? Don’t you want it done? I don’t understand!! (This makes me laugh. It does happen occasionally, even from my sincere little heart.)

Anyway, I am remined today that everything I do matters, but the glory is not mine anyway. Run on.

I should have read my Bible last night
Before I turned out the light
Even when I want what is right
I don’t remind myself to fight
I wonder will this always be the case
I ask God to teach me His grace
Surprised when I fall flat on my face
Sometimes I despise this place
I find myself thinking God hates me
I try to tell myself He has mercy
His ways to me are a mystery
But I cherish the gifts He gives freely
Some days I thrive, conscious of His care
Others I long to run away to get there
I love the seasons I run as fast as I dare
I hate the seasons when passion is rare
Why do I have to be so blind
Like I can’t make up my mind
Leaving aimless wondering behind
Is the only way I’ll ever find
My life purpose, for His fame
Robin, this is not a game
Live fully alive to Jesus’ name
Can you imagine the terrible shame
Live out the only Life that’s real
There is coming a great reveal
Will any regret you feel
When you confess He’s Lord and kneel
Failing Him is my only true fear
So no matter how things appear
My calling is perfectly clear
I’ll be ready for His coming is near

Sometimes I struggle. Spiritually. Tonight, I was crying out to the Lord about it and was able to articulate it.

God, it hurts. How long will it hurt like this? It’s like when you are using a muscle, and all your strength has been spent and you cannot hold it any longer.

You know it’s good, and will cause you to grow, but it hurts. The pain sometimes causes you to just stop, in frustration, in lack of knowledge, and walk away. You know you will keep coming back, even if you keep walking away. You know you have to accomplish your exercise, and you know you will.

It’s like I am pushing a wall. In whatever I am trying to master, I push and push and strive, until I have to walk away. I have to get past it. I want to get past it, but the difficulty…it’s terrible.

I know you are teaching me, but I just don’t understand yet. I know I am not alone. It is the Spirit that leads me to desire growth, that leads me to pursue whatever struggle causes growth. Without the Spirit, I would be still and die.

My motive is to know You. My motive comes because You are the only One worth living for. You are It, God. My world begins and ends with You. Nothing else matters. Sometimes I despise having to live, having to work, having to breathe, having to wait for my Wedding Day. Why? Why can’t I have You now? Why must I strive, and face my own wretchedness. I cannot even count on myself to love you, to desire you, from one moment to the next. I hate that, God!

I am so thankful that God is patient. I know that if I have to walk away, even for several years, from a struggle, God will be faithful to successfully teach me, to literally gift me with the maturity and understanding to finally live and walk victorious in it.
I know because He has done it for me. And it was worth it. I see that I was so impatient with myself, and I can see the compassion He had for me. He knew that struggling was so painful for me.

And I see how ‘Godly sorrow’ is good. Probably a good 6 years ago I learned how precious it is to weep before the Lord. How I cherish moments of brokenness before Him. Even now, I would rather cry to Him because of a burden of desire for Him, even though it is hard, than feel like I have experienced Him and no longer burn with desire for Him.

He’s so amazing. I have learned well that He can be trusted. So I trust Him.

There’s a funny thing about procrastination. Even when you do your best to avoid it, somehow it finds you.

I just finished my time management project for the semester. In it, I had to plan my whole semester, inputting my study time. My conclusion is that I will be studying a whole lot this semester. I started out with a goal to get ahead of schedule and stay there, but I am already finding myself too close to my deadlines for comfort. In my project, I had to write a paper discussing time management principles I had learned. While writing about procrastination, I came to a surprising realization.

I think the reason procrastination seems to find every student is because God put eternity in our hearts. Our minds cannot easily function with the understanding of mortality. In our daily life we are reminded of it, but it always comes as a shock. This, I think, is the reason we are surprised by deadlines. In our minds, in our hearts, life should just go on. Someday soon, it will.

Eternity is coming soon. I am happy that eternity is more a reality than anything that seems real to me now. I am looking; watching; waiting. It excites me to no end to realize that I am getting married.

I will marry Jesus and He will be mine. I will finally KNOW Him!!! Oh the joy of that day; I cannot even imagine. (Come Lord Jesus!!)

I have always thought: there is no end to God, so we can never fully ‘know’ Him, or rather all that He is. But thinking about the coming Wedding Day, I realized something. I WILL know Him. I will fully KNOW Him. When a man and wife become one, they KNOW each other, in intimacy. This doesn’t mean they share a brain, can read each other’s minds, or otherwise predict thoughts, but they become one and they KNOW each other. In this way, I WILL know the Lord.

That means so much to me. I would give up EVERYTHING I know, to have Him, to hold Him. And one day soon, I will finally be able to. This is the reason I live. For the day I will know Him. I will be fully His and finally, He will be fully mine.